Submitted by Lisa, Mt. Airy, Md.
  

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Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
 

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Submitted by Lisa, God Only Knows Where
 

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While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it.

God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." 

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lipo-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?

"God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
 

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The executioner asks the scientist "head up or down"? "Up.", the scientist replies. Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold.", says the scientist. The scientist is strapped down and the executioner pulls the rope. The blade slides down and stops abruptly, inches from the scientist's neck. By law, the victim of a botched execution is set free, so the executioner sets the scientist free.

Next up is the chemist. The executioner asks the chemist "head up or down"? "Up.", the chemist replies. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold.", says the chemist. The chemist is strapped down and the executioner pulls the rope. The blade slides down and stops abruptly, inches from the chemist's neck. By law, the victim of a botched execution is set free, so the executioner sets the chemist free.

Next up is the engineer. The executioner asks the engineer "head up or down"? "Up.", the engineer replies. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold.", says the engineer. The engineer is strapped down and the executioner gets ready to pull the rope. "Wait!", the engineer yells, "I see what the problem is!".

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation......Read aloud for best results. Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" fora while after reading this. This has been nominated for best email of 1999.The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No.. just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome" 

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The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister...""Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
 

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. . ., when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could get some of these condoms. The second nun said, "You get them at the drug store, Sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter.

"Good morning sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?"

"I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like -- there are 12 to a box." "I'll take six boxes that should last about a week" said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like-we have large, extra large, and big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?

He fainted.
 

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I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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. . . around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
  

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. . . when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
  

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. . . of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flour.

As a longtime friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky, at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart

Submitted by Crystal, Mt. Airy, Md.
 

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. . . and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md. 

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