Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

Submitted by Marty, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor!"

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
 

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He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Submitted by Professor Ed, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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... after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
 

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so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet.

He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge.

Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

I was visiting online with a buddy in Austin and he said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A friend in southwest Texas told me the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

But just this week, here in Stephenville , a man said he saw a fire hydrant bribing a dog.

In Proctor Lake, another friend caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

Man, it's been hot and dry!

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

Submitted by Lindsay!  Melbourne, Australia
 

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3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

2900 B.C. - Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.

1850 B.C. - Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arrange in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C. - The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C. - Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

776 B.C. - The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six - footer with a mustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!

410 B.C. - Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C. - The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

79 A.D. - Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.

432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1000 - Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

1043 - Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.

1125 - Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to sole the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233 - The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un - Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.

1297 - The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1433 - Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!

1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.

He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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... and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md. 
 

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They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, "This tastes like MUD!" Then I replied, "It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
• This is not an abandoned vehicle.
• I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
• It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
• Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
• Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
• My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
• When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
• I is a college student.
• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
• Eschew obfuscation.
• Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.

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... except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore. Pa.
 

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Submitted by Paul, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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• Name something a blind person might use: a sword

• Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

• Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

• Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

• Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

• Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

• Name something that floats in the bath: water

• Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

• Name something red: my cardigan

• Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

• Name a famous royal: mail

• Name a number you have to memorize: 7

• Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

• Name something you put on walls: roofs

• Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow

• Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes

• Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

• Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

• Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

• Name a continent: Italy

• Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

• Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

• Name something slippery: a con man

• Name a kind of ache: a pancake

• Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

• Name a potato topping: jam

• Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

• Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones

• Name something with a hole in it: window

• Name a non-living object with legs: plant

• Name a domestic animal: leopard

• Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee

• Name a way of cooking fish: cod

• Name something you clean: your sister

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor.

"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  He reckoned he could stop any time.....
• I had a friend who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
• I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these guys have lost the plot!
• I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not wishing to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.
• A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
• Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.  "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C," he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia."
• I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
• I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked by the roadside. The driver looked very miserable and was sobbing uncontrollably.  I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England
 

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With considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed doing this. 

At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank - they let three goats loose inside the school. 

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3!

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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... and undergoes weeks of training.

The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:

Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

• Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

• Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

• Work in the kitchen whenever you can...many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

• If it's electronic, get a new one...or consult a twelve year old.

• Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch or just paint over it.

• Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

• Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

• If something looks level, it is level.

• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa
 

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Submitted  by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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(the equivalent to a 4-star General in the U.S.) gave a lecture on "Potential Problems and Military Strategy." At the end of the long lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a World War III, Sir? And will Russia take part?"

The General answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy, Sir?"

The General replied, "All indications point to China."

Everyone in the audience was shocked and a murmur was heard throughout the auditorium.

A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive such a battle?"

The General answered, "Just think about this for a moment : In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked,

"Do we have enough Jews, Sir?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

Submitted by Brian, Emmitsburg, Md. 
 

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... had a total hip replacement and was house bound. Our family, not being nearby, was concerned for her welfare and called Meals on Wheels.

We let the service know how Grandmother didn’t like the idea of being dependant on anyone for anything.

The next day a volunteer phoned Grandmother and cheerfully explained that Meals on Wheels is a service which relies on volunteers to help the elderly and the ill. Would she be interested in it?

There was a reflective pause. "Well, sure," my grandmother said. "If you can't find anyone else to get food to the old people, I guess I can."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time -- the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man -- No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The Indian driver was beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman, upset, yelled, "What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"

The cab driver told her that he wasn't staring at her because in their custom it would not be proper to stare.

The woman who does not like to be stared at....belligerently says, "Well, it you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

Cab driver explains: "Well, I'm telling you....... I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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• The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
• CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
• If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .
• Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
• McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.
• Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
• Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
• Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
• The Mafia is laying off judges.
• BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

• I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

Submitted by Tim, Cape Coral, Fl.
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• "Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong."
• "Keep skunks and bankers at a distance."
• "Life is simpler when you plow around the stump."
• "A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor."
• "Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled."
• "Meanness don't just happen overnight."
• "Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads."
• "Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you."
• "It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge."
• "You cannot unsay a cruel word."
• "Every path has a few puddles."
• "When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty."
• "The best sermons are lived, not preached."
• "Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway."
• "Don 't judge folks by their relatives.
• "Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer."
• "Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time."
• "Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none."
• "Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance."
• "If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'."
• "Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
• "The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
• "Always drink upstream from the herd."
• "Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment."
• "Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in."
• "If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around."
• "Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God."
• "Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you."

Submitted by Frank, Placerville, CA.
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Capt Dan, Charleston, SC.
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
   

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