| |
Five Quick One Liners
- Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
- An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
- A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
- A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
- A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother,"
she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
- A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll
promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa.
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| A businessman was in a great deal of trouble.
His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went
to a minister and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the minister said, "Here's what I want you to do Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair
and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a
page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the minister and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The
businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the minister as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The minister recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11." |
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Submitted by Ernie, Houston, Tx.
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."
Thank you.
Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va. |
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Submitted by Michael, Emmitsburg, Md.
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke
him up.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
"But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,"
"Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school,"
"Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
"One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal of the school."
Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a fellow with a
Chihuahua are walking down the street . . .
. . . when they come to a popular restaurant. The guy with the Doberman says, "Hey, let's go in and eat!"
The other guy says, "Are you crazy? They won't let us come in there with these dogs!"
The first fellow says, "Sure they will. Watch this!" The Doberman's
owner whips out his dark sunglasses and walks into the restaurant. The host says "Sir, we don't allow dogs in this establishment."
The guy replies, "Oh, this is my seeing-eye dog and constant companion." The host apologizes and seats the man at a table. When the host comes back, the guy
with the Chihuahua, who is also wearing
dark glasses, asks to be seated after pointing out his "seeing-eye dog." The host says, "Seeing-eye dog?
But sir, that's a chihuahua!"
The guy says, "WHAT? You mean they gave me a chihuahua????"
Submitted by Kevin, Dallis, Tx.
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| A women walks into a bank in New York city and asks for a loan.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the women hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the
loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the women for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive
the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the women returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The women replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Submitted by Michael, Emmitsburg, Md.
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| An old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| This little old lady was nearly blind and she had three sons who wanted to
prove which one was the best son to her.
So son # 1 bought her a 15 room mansion.
Son # 2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur.
Son # 3 found her a parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could tell him any of your troubles and the parrot could give you a
good answer out of the Bible, word for word.
The old lady said to the first son, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the
car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son I just want to thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder
knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is
drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had
to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do
you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "no way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guys says, "you're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen
before, will you give a drink?"
he bartender says "ok". Deal says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamsters on the bar and it runs to the end of the of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing gershwin
songs. And the hamsters is really good.
The bartender says, "you're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamsters is truly good on the piano." the guy downs the drink and asks
the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and
the frog starts to sing.
He has a marvelous voice and a great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the
frog.
The guys says" it's a deal." he takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy
"are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamsters is also a ventriloquist."
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let him have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth,
and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were
lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO's.
Submitted by Betty, Emmitsburg, Md.
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a
farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the
third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
Submitted by Pat, Smith Lake, Va.
|
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
| A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation . . .
. . . when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He
talks about his wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."
Submitted by 'Sister' Wink, New York, New York
|
|
Go to page 7 of Clean Jokes |
|
Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List,
My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
|
|
|
