He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. 

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going to have to impound them as evidence."

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The man asked . . .

. . . who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"

my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

She was very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting had been a wonderful hypnotist.

Mr. Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday services. Maybe they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd. He talked it over with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea. After lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath service. The hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. As the crowd observed, mesmerized, the hyponost began: "Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch."

The congregants carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the watch.

"Vatch the vatch," the hypnotist continued.

Then, accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand. "Oh crap!" He cried . . . . 

Took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue.

 "How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman.

"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely.

"Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?"

"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'."
"That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly.
"That's it."

"I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum."

"Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a minute... okay, got a pencil?"

"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale.'"

He told the limo driver to go a little faster.

The driver replied, "I'm going the speed limit."

The Pope kept repeatedly asking the driver to speed up, to no avail. Finally, the Pope told the driver, "Pull over and let me drive." Of course the guy had to agree as this was the Pope and you can't say no to the Pope.

So the Pope is driving now and going about 90 mph, swerving in and out of traffic, running red lights when he is pulled over by the police.

The cop takes one look in the car and says, "Excuse me a minute," and makes a call to his captain. He says, "Captain, I got a problem, I pulled this guy over and I don't know if I should give him a ticket."

The captain asks, "Does he deserve a ticket?"

The cop says," Yeah he's a horrible driver!"

The captain, "Is he important?"

The cop, "Yeah, I'D say."

The captain, "More important than the mayor?"

The Cop, "Yeah, he is."

Captain, "More important than the governor?"

The cop, "Yep"

Captain, "How about the president? He couldn't be more important than him."

Cop, "I think he is."

Captain, "Just who is this guy?"

Cop, "I'm not sure but he's got to be really important. The Pope is his chauffeur!"

They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.

To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.

The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree,

across the green and right into the hole...

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."

The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day then another and another. After a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

After some thought, he made a sign that said, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Please share this information with your patients and physicians as soon as possible.

The family called their priest, to be with them. As the priest stood next to the bed, Jake's condition appeared to deteriorate rapidly and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Jake used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing his eulogy, he realized that he 
was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Jake died.

He said, "You know, Jake handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Jake, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all. " He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

• A speech impediment.
• Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
• Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.
• What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
• Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
• Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo!"
• What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
• Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
• What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."