• The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
• The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
• The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
• AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
• Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
• The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
• The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
• Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
• If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
• The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
• AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
• AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
• Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
• It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
• AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
• Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
• It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
• AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
• AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
• Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

• You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
• He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
• When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
• Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
• Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
• Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
• Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
• Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
• When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
• You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" . . .

But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.

(It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails . . .

And one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

• An application was for employment A program was a TV show
• A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano!
• Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account
• And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found out!
• Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file.
• And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!
• Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road
• A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode!
• Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue
• A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu!
• I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head
• I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!

. . . and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computer’s and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

. . . disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. 

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large

letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. 

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

. . . a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Well, we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

• Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50% percent discount even if I HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people.
• I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebees from Coke Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don't know who I am anyway.
• I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this....NEVER!!!!
• There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.
• There is no kid with cancer through the Make a Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 yrs old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANYMORE POSTCARDS, CALLING CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS!
• The government does not have a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.
• There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.
• The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never heard of before disease for every email address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate!
• And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend

Now, repeat this 4 times to yourself until you've memorized it and then send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will be constipated for the next 3 months!

However, times have changed, and it is time to update the old proverbs. It is time to reform them into proverbs that people in today's technological environment can relate to. Here are some.....

• Home is where you hang your @.
• The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
• A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
• You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
• Great groups from little icons grow.
• Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
• C:\ is the root of all directories.
• Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
• Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
• The modem is the message.
• Too many clicks spoil the browse.
• The geek shall inherit the earth.
• There's no place like
• Don't byte off more than you can view.
• Fax is stranger than fiction.
• What boots up must come down.
• Windows will never cease.
• Virtual reality is its own reward.
• Modulation in all things.
• Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.