Moses "Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, Sir." What is it this time, Moses; more computer Problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"

"Oh, yes; I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"

"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir; I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I. E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"

"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers"

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse , Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave "an image' and 'Thou shalt not correct Thy neighbor's wife.'"

"House" is feminine - "la maison."

"Pencil" is masculine - "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

No one but their creator understands their internal logic; The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

• "Hi. This is John. If you're the phone company, I already sent the money. If you're my parents, please send money. If you're my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you're my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."  
   
• "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."  
   
• "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are   clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."  
   
• "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist   suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, and 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.

Isn't that better than "Your computer has performed an illegal operation?"

So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Joanne called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Joanne's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," replied Joanne.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

To thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a long illness. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I have seen to it that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.

• If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
• If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
• If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
• He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
• He'll make $3,710 while watching an episode of Friends.
• If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
• If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
• He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
• Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
• If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
• He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
• He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
• This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

• Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
• Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screensaver.
• You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
• Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
• Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
• Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
• You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
• Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
• Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
• You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
• You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
• You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
• You wake up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

... when one day on the beach, a gorgeous woman rowed up to the shore. "I've been on the other side of the island since my cruise ship sank," she told him.

"At least you had a rowboat wash up with you," he said.

"Oh, I made that out of palm branches and coconut trees." She explained.

"With no tools?" He asked incredulously.

"It was a simple matter of heating an unusual type of rock I found to a certain temperature in my kiln, then melting that into a forgeable iron to make the hardware." She told him. "Do you want to come see my treehouse?"

Well, did he ever! This woman had an amazing fortress, and she cooked him a delicious five-course dinner in her handmade cookware.

After dinner, she went to slip into something comfortable and came back wearing almost nothing. She gazed into his eyes and said, "We've been lonely. I'm sure there's something you want to do right now, something you've been longing for all of these months. I think you know what I mean." He couldn't believe his luck.

"You mean..." He was almost speechless. "I can check my e-mail from here?!"