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Ode to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
 
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
 
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
 
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Mujibar was trying to get into America legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter America."

Mujibar said, "I am ready now sir for taking your testing."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and works at Microsoft on the Help Desk.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
 

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If Abbott and Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" ...

... might have turned out something like this:

  • Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott
  • Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
  • Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
  • Abbott: Mac?
  • Costello: No, the name's Lou.
  • Abbott: Your computer?
  • Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
  • Abbott: Mac?
  • Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
  • Abbott: What about Windows?
  • Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
  • Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
  • Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
  • Abbott: Wallpaper.
  • Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
  • Abbott: Software for Windows?
  • Costello: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
  • proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
  • Abbott: Office.
  • Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
  • Abbott: I just did.
  • Costello: You just did what?
  • Abbott: Recommend something.
  • Costello: You recommended something?
  • Abbott: Yes.
  • Costello: For my office?
  • Abbott: Yes.
  • Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
  • Abbott: Office.
  • Costello: Yes, for my office!
  • Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
  • Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
  • Abbott: Word.
  • Costello: What word?
  • Abbott: Word in Office.
  • Costello: The only word in office is office.
  • Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
  • Costello: Which word in office for windows?
  • Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
  • Costello: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers, OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
  • Abbott: Yes, you want Real One.
  • Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
  • Abbott: Real One.
  • Costello: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
  • Abbott: Of course.
  • Costello: Great! With what?
  • Abbott: Real One.
  • Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
  • Abbott: You click the blue "1".
  • Costello: I click the blue one what?
  • Abbott: The blue "1".
  • Costello: Is that different from the blue "w"?
  • Abbott: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
  • Costello: What word?
  • Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
  • Costello: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
  • Abbott: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
  • Costello: It is?
  • Abbott: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
  • Costello: And that word is real one?
  • Abbott: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
  • Costello: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
  • Abbott: Money.
  • Costello: That's right. What do you have?
  • Abbott: Money.
  • Costello: I need money to track my money?
  • Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.
  • Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
  • Abbott: Money.
  • Costello: Money comes with my computer?
  • Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
  • Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
  • Abbott: One copy.
  • Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
  • Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
  • Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
  • Abbott: Why not? They own it? They Own it?!

(A few days later)...

  • Abbott: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?
  • Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
  • Abbott: Click on "START"

Submitted by Lorraine
 

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An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says ...

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land." And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so."

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "we need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary ...

System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano! 

Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage, not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived, and a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife, paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper, and the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they'll wish they were dead!

Submitted by Michele, somewhere in NJ
 

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The LORD is my programmer, I shall not crash ...

... He installed his software on the hard disk of my heart; All his commands are user friendly; His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no bugs, for you are my backup; Your password protects me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.

Your help is only a keystroke away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me All the days of my life, and my file will be merged with God's and saved forever.

Submitted by Sister Wink, Younkers, N.Y.
 

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Dr. Seuss on Computers

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom

Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.
 

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Judy was having trouble with her computer, so she called the computer support staff ...

Jim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face.

"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error  before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

Submitted by Linn, Hagerstown, Md.
 

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Abbot: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? ..

Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

Abbot: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou

Abbot: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbot: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou

Abbot: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Abbot: Do you want a computer with windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

Abbot: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Abbot: Software for windows
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

Abbot: Office
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

Abbot: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?

Abbot: Recommend something?
Costello: You recommended something?

Abbot: Yes.
Costello: For my office?

Abbot: Yes
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

Abbot: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!

Abbot: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Abbot: Word. Costello: what word?
Abbot: Word in Office.

Costello: the only word in office is office.
Abbot: the Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: which word in office for windows?
Abbot: the word you get when you click the blue W

Costello: I'm going to click your blue W if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping, you have anything I can track my money with?
Abbot: Sure, Money.

Costello: that's right. What do you have?
Abbot: Money.

Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbot: it comes bundled with your computer.

Costello: what's bundled with my computer?
Abbot: Money

Costello: money comes with my computer?
Abbot: yes. No extra charge.

Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbot: one copy

Costello: isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbot: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

Costello: they can give you a license to copy money?
Abbot: why not, they own it.

Submitted by John, Upton, Long Island
 

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Here are some actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan ..

... some are even written as Haiku. Aren't these better than "Your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

  • The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
  • Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
  • Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
  • Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
  • Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
  • Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
  • Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
  • A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
  • Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
  • You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
  • Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
  • Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.

And ...

  • Having been erased,
    The document you're seeking
    must now be retyped.

Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.
 

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