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| It was a Saturday afternoon, and I had rushed down
to the local supermarket ... ...to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments for an impromptu BBQ for a few
friends at half-time while we were watching a college basketball game on the patio.
The store was loaded with shoppers and as I headed for the limited items Express Lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a rather large woman, completely
ignoring the overhead sign, slipped into the check-out line just in front of me, pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
I was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay, when to my unexpected delight, the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked
ever so sweetly, "So dearie, which ten items would you like to buy?
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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| A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15
kids.
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they All Yours?"
"Yes' am they is all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest--he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is
introduced to the eldest girl, named Leigh Roy!
"All right," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes! It make it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just
yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I jest call them by their last names."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are
real, then I want you to knock me off this platform I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit
him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were
shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the
matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| A women in the group Touring Ireland was
a real curmudgeon ... ... constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The
accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned
today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
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| A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard ...
... he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer
with the female pigs got up at 5 AM. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the
other farmer, "How will! I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look
outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
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| The IRS sent their auditor to a synagogue.
The auditor was doing all the checks and then turned to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free
box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "We actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and
every now and then, they send us a free box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS."
"IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "IRS ... and about once a year, they send us someone like you.
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| The coach had put together the perfect team for the
Baltimore Ravens ... The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly
incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
Kaboom!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Ka-blooey!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
Bulls-eye!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of
football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten
within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Baltimore!
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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| A duke is hunting in a forest with his
men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree.
Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the duke. "I must find him."
After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of
all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," says the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| The Pope dies of old age and finds himself at the Gates
of Heaven at 0300.
He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed watchman opens the gate and asks, "Wadda ya want?" "I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of Godly
work and thought I should check in here."
The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here-- just bring your stuff and we'll sort this all out in the morning." They go to
an old World War II-style barracks, third floor, open bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper
bunk.
The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He get up and goes to a window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds
from the golden headquarters building. The sidewalks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat sits a US Navy Submariner, his dolphins glistening on his
chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his arm around a voluptuous blonde angel with magnificent halos.
This disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Master-At-Arms and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope, with 63 years of Godly deeds in an open
bay barracks while this Submariner, who must have committed every sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a saint's welcome. How can that be?"
The Master-At-Arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Submariner before."
Submitted by ex-submariner Pete, Richland, Wa.
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Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is
745-2302 and your cell number's 266-566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider
won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting
the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using
it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD.
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| Things to know, and things to consider before choosing an
HMO... Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, 'Hey, Moe!' Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard of "The Three Stooges " who discovered that a patient could be made to
forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan. These doctors basically fall
into two categories those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the
plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and that diploma from a small Caribbean Island is very fresh.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. What are preexisting conditions?
A. This is a term used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with 'pre and now' meaning the same.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 CO-payment, there is no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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Best Messages on Telephone Answering Machines for 2003 ...
- Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
- This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling
... and I'll think about returning your call.
- Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'l! l stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
- Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
- A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
- Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "cute" message, I'll call sooner.
- Hi. Now YOU say something.
- Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the best answering machine message for 2003 is ... (Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering
Machine Messages)
- Hello, you've reached Sandy Beach and Warren Peace. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sandy likes doing it up and
down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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| The Dali Lama's Personality Test... Just 4 questions
and the answers will surprise you. Do not cheat by looking up the answers. The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is opened. This is fun to do, but you have to follow the
instructions very closely.
A Warning! Answer the questions as you go along.
There are only four questions and if you see them all before finishing, you will not have honest results. Go down slowly and do each exercise as you scroll down. Don't
look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along. You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which will tell you a lot about your true self. Give an
answer for each item.
Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference.
- Cow
- Tiger
- Sheep
- Horse
- Pig
Write one word that describes each one of the following:
Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you) and that you can relate to the following colors (do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for
each color.)
- Yellow
- Orange
- Red
- White
- Green
Finally, write down your favorite number and your favorite day of the week.
The interpretations below defines your priorities in your life:
- Cow Signifies CAREER
- Tiger Signifies PRIDE
- Sheep Signifies LOVE
- Horse! Signifies FAMILY
- Pig Signifies MONEY
Your description of:
- Dog implies your own personality.
- Cat implies the personality of your partner.
- Rat implies the personality of your enemies.
- Coffee is how you interpret sex. e
- Sea implies your own life.
With regards to your selection of People vs. Colors:
- Yellow: Someone you will never forget
- Orange: Someone you consider your true friend
- Red: Someone that you really love
- White: Your twin soul
- Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
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