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| The Military today and in 1945
1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2005- Everyone has a laptop for Internet access computer, a cellphone and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945- They painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2005- They put the real thing in the cockpit.
1945 - If you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
2005 - If you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.
1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2005- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo. Then attend a tramatic related session so you can cope with what you did.
1945- Canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2005- Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and the water always tastes like plastic.
1945- Officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
2005- Officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie by an irate underling.
1945- They collected intelligence on the enemy and analyzed it.
2005- They collect your pee and analyze it.
1945- If you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up.
2005- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
1945- medals were awarded to heroes for heroic deeds that saved lives at the risk of their own.
2005- medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters and make their bosses look good.
1945- You slept in barracks like a soldier.
2005- You sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.
1945- You ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted.
2005- You eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much.
1945 - If you wanted to relax, you went to the rec. center, played pool, smoked, and drank beer.
2005- You go to the community center and you can play pool.
1945- If you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
2005- There is no NCO club.
1945- The Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money.
2005- You can get better merchandise for less at Walmart.
1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
2005- We are wearing helmets that look just like theirs, unless they're terrorists.
1945- We called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
2005- We call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.
1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
2005- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.
1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2005- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
1945- Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2005- Wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.
1945- We were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning.
2005- We don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism').
1945- All you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2005- All you can think about is getting out (to use the college fund) and becoming a civilian again. (Unless you joined the social experiment called the new politically correct military.)
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
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| A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa ... ... taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts
chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures
that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to
hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
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| A dog had followed his owner to school... His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. When the bell rang,
the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom with him before a teacher noticed him and shoo'ed him back outside, closing the door behind him.
The dog sat down outside the door, whimpering and staring at the closed doors and not understanding in the least as to why he was refused entry.
Then, God appeared beside the dog, patted him on the head to comfort him, and said, "Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let me in there, either."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| Mattel has recently announced the release of the Limited-Edition Barbies Beverly Hills Barbie:
This princess Barbie comes with an assortment of Kate Spade bags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey and a 3,500 s/f cookie cutter house on a 5,000 s/f lot. Available with or without a tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the "augmented" version.
Soccer Mom Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with numerous makes of minivans and matching health club outfits. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Traffic jamming cellular telephone is included, headset sold separately.
Porn Barbie: This recently paroled formed "porn actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a methlab kit. This model is available after dark and can only be paid for with cash, preferably in small
untraceable bills.
Yuppie Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of a BMW convertible or a Hummer H2. Included are her own private Starbucks cup and credit cards. Also available with this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford
any of them.
NASCAR Barbie: This pale model comes with her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and Tweetie bird tattoo on her shoulder. She also comes with a six pack of Budweiser beer and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over five feet and
can kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Redneck Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brasy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's Discovery townhouse. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake
fingernails and see through halter top. Also available with a 20 year old motor home and a fish boat on a trailer to park outside her townhouse.
Lesbian Barbie: This Barbie is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not need or want a Ken doll but if you purchase
two Baker Park Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon with the Hood College parking sticker you will get both the rainbow flag and faded "Gore-Lieberman 2000" bumper stickers for free.
Hispanic Barbie: This Spanish-speaking only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary tags and three baby Barbie' s in the back, but no cars.
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Road Rage and the Perceptive Policeman
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me
to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA
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| Inner Peace I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and as we start summer we all could use a little calm. By following the
simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started"
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some
cheesecake and a box of chocolates You have no idea how freakin good I feel....
Submitted by Rochel, Emmitsburg, MD.
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Brain twisters
- A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest
for him?
- A woman shoots her husband Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
- What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
- Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
- This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
ANSWERS:
- The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead
- The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
- Charcoal
- Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
- The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
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| An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish building ... ...
when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
Noticing the old woman sniffing the perfume, she turns to her and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce."
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts loudly, then says, "Broccoli...... 49 cents a pound."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve ... ...
frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.
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| A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a
little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the Australian golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guys says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know they were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Submitted by Sr. Wink, Younkers, NY
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| A bus carrying ugly people crashes into an truck, and everyone inside the bus dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is
granted.
This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says, "Make 'em all ugly again."
The moral of the story: the next time you're last in line, consider yourself blessed!
Submitted by John Ypsilanti, MI
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| Various Pentagon rules for engaging the enemy ... USMC Rules
- Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
- Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
- Have a plan.
- Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
- Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
- Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
- Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
- Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
- Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
- Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
- Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
- In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
- If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.
- Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
- And above all ... don't drop your guard.
Navy SEALS Rules
- Look very cool in sunglasses.
- Kill every living thing within view.
- Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear.
- Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules
- Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck while starving.
- Locate individuals requiring killing.
- Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
- Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
- Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound ruck while starving.
Army Rules
- Select a new beret to wear
- Sew combat patch on right shoulder
- Change the color of beret you decide to wear
US Air Force Rules
- Have a cocktail
- Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
- See what's on HBO
- Determine "what is a gunfight"
- Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation
- Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives
- Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
- Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally
- Tell the Navy to send the Marines
Navy Rules
- Go to Sea
- Drink Coffee
- Watch porn
- Send the Marines
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, MD.
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