A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

• Dan Antopolski – "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
• Paddy Lennox – "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'"
• Sarah Millican – "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
• Zoe Lyons – "I went on a girl's night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill.' I went as Rose West."
• Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending."
• Adam Hills – "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
• Marcus Brigstocke – "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
• Rhod Gilbert – "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".
• Dan Antopolski – "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
• Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) – "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

Some of the worst jokes told at this year's Fringe include:

• Carey Marx – "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad".
• Stephen Carlin – "There are so many 'failed train' announcements at stations these days. It's not rolling stock, it's laughing stock."
• Celia Pacquola – "My mind is like a cement mixer. It's grey, thick and always moving."
• Rhys Darby – "I don't believe in guns. Literally; I don't believe they exist."
• Frank Woodley – "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."
• Anna and Katy - "I dated a woman from the Chinese State Circus. One time I took her upstairs for a 69. She said, 'I'm not cooking at this time of night.'"
• Alex Maple – "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."
• Phil Nichol – "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase – minging."
• Denise Van Outen – "A brunette, a red-head and a blonde break out of Holloway Prison. They hide in a barn from the police and get into some sacks. The police come in and feel the sack with the brunette in it - she goes 'miaow'! They go on to feel the sack with the red-head in it - she goes 'woof!' Finally they feel the sack with the blonde in it. The Blonde shouts: potatoes!"
• Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..."

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.

His buddies asked, "How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Dave?"

Dave replied: Last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown

my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go

fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So I Did and Here I Am!

Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favourites. By the way, none of them worked.

A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.

A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.

A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."

An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Express way was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."

An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"

"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."

"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"

• Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
• Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
• Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
• Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
• Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
• Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
• Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
• Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
• Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
• Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. It was evident that she had become very loose and trampy but he still saw the good in her and wanted to win her back. But she became annoyed. Since she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a photo of herself in an unmentionable position with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was very upset. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

Doctor: 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.'

Patient: 'Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely.'

Doctor: 'Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.'

• Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.
• Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".
• Call a political candidate’s campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacy.
• Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.
• When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (Whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)
• Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.
• Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.
• Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.
• Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.
• Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list.

He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.

The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off! About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency. "And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

• #1. Dear Mr. Butcher; Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
• #2. Dear Mr. Milkman; We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. PS. Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats?"
• #3. Selma; Don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
• #4. Dear Mr. Exterminator; Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
• #5. To whom it may concern; Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched.

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That’ll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

• Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
• Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
• Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.
• P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.
• Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.
• Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
• Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
• Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
• Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
• Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
• Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.
• Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.
• Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.
• Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

• You can't make out the driver through the window and the bobble head dolls on the back deck.
• The back bumper was bumped off in New Jersey.
• Has a bumper sticker on the back panel saying "Don't like my driving--call 1-800-I-don't either".
• None of his back lights work at a stoplight.
• His turn signal is broken, his arm is not out signaling, he's giving you the finger.
• The back window has been shot out previously by police in the town next to yours.
• All fifty of his bumper stickers are covering rust-out spots.
• One of the rear wheels is missing.
• The last tune-up was done before the car was painted after it's life as a New York cab.
• The driver used to drive the scenic roads above St. Thomas, Virgin Islands at breakneck speeds.
• You notice that he's the escaped con from the local prison.
• The last mode of transportation before this car that he operated was a yak.