In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

• Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
• Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
• Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
• Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
• Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
• Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
• Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
• Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
• Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn't business casual?
• Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?

• Hostess is sitting down reading "The Racing Forum".
• All of the first six booths are occupied by the wait staff.
• There is more food in the dumpster than in the restaurant.
• The menu has white-out under the prices.
• Nobody is parked in front. They are all in the back.
• You need a password to get in the front door. (Not "Swordfish!.")
• Nobody has need to shovel out the front door in the winter.
• The board of health is parked there every Monday morning.
• The sign outside hasn't worked in two years.
• Truckers never stop there.
• You need to bring litmus paper to test the coffee.
• There is a sign outside that says "Lion Club now meets at McDonalds-two doors down".
• Even the cooks leave for lunch.
• Nobody seems to be eating, they are there to watch the soap operas in the afternoon.
• Sign says "Tour Busses Needed".
• There are rumors that the place is haunted.
• They prefer to use paper plates instead of china, and they continually wash the plastic cutlery.
• They are always inviting nursing home residents over for tea.
• The cook died three weeks ago, and nobody knows the nationality of who is back there now, except that he has a strange wart.
• The garbage truck in the back is making a delivery.

It's time to grade a Nigerian scam letter that has just been received. Ready?

HOW ARE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?. (Period after a question mark) HOPE ALL IS WELL (I am glad that he cares so much about my brother in jail, my uncle who just married a witch, and my parents who passed away twenty-years ago).

MY NAME IS ( SGT 1ST CLASS MIKE PETERS, I AM AN AMERICAN SOLDIER, SERVING IN THE MILITARY WITH THE ARMY'S 3RD INFANTRY DIVISION. WITH A VERY DESPERATE NEED FOR ASSISTANCE, I HAVE SUMMED UP COURAGE (He has no courage? He's supposed to an American soldier) TO CONTACT YOU. I FOUND YOUR CONTACT PARTICULARS IN AN ADDRESS JOURNAL (right! Any old email address will do).

I AM SEEKING YOUR KIND (always kind this and that!) ASSISTANCE TO MOVE THE SUM OF ( $28 MILLION U.S. DOLLARS )(say it again as if it was actually on a check!) TWENTY EIGHT MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS TO YOU,(should have been a period, not a comma) AS FAR AS I CAN BE ASSURED THAT MY SHARE WILL BE SAFE IN YOUR CARE (trusting soul, isn't he?) UNTIL I COMPLETE MY SERVICE HERE. SOURCE OF MONEY: SOME MONEY IN VARIOUS CURRENCIES (Shekels, Spanish doubloons, Old French Francs and Monopoly money). WAS DISCOVERED IN (Whiskey)BARRELS AT A FARM (?) HOUSE NEAR ONE OF SADDAM'S OLD PALACES (by the Seven-Eleven) , (next to IN TIKRIT-IRAQ DURING A RESCUE OPERATION, AND IT WAS AGREED BY STAFF SGT KENNETH BUFF (I see, a staff sergeant runs the scam there!) AND I THAT SOME PART OF THIS MONEY BE SHARED AMONG BOTH OF US BEFORE INFORMING ANYBODY ABOUT IT SINCE BOTH OF US SAW THE MONEY FIRST. (finders keepers!)THIS WAS QUITE AN ILLEGAL THING TO DO, (so he's now on our side!), BUT I TELL YOU WHAT? NO COMPENSATION CAN MAKE UP FOR THE RISK WE HAVE TAKEN WITH OUR LIVES IN THIS HELL HOLE (A True American saying that!). OF WHICH MY BROTHER IN-LAW WAS KILLED BY A ROAD SIDE BOMB LAST TIME (and the time before that, too! That makes all of this scam okay!). THE ABOVE FIGURE WAS GIVEN TO ME AS MY SHARE, AND TO CONCEAL THIS KIND OF MONEY BECAME A PROBLEM FOR ME, SO WITH THE HELP OF A BRITISH CONTACT WORKING HERE (let make sure everybody on our side gets involved!) AND HIS OFFICE (them, too! He forgot the Canadians) ENJOY SOME IMMUNITY, (everybody must be a crook over there!) I WAS ABLE TO GET THE PACKAGE OUT (Great non-punctuation)

I HAVE NOW FOUND A VERY SECURED WAY OF GETTING THE PACKAGE OUT OF IRAQ TO YOUR (What his country is somewhere else? I thought he said that he was an American soldier) COUNTRY FOR YOU TO PICK UP, AND I WILL DISCUSS THIS WITH YOU WHEN I AM SURE THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO ASSIST ME, AND I BELIEVE THAT MY MONEY WILL BE WELL SECURED IN YOUR HAND (goody, he trusts me already!) BECAUSE YOU HAVE FEAR OF GOD. (What happens if I am an Atheist or maybe I have no fear?)I WANT YOU TO TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU WILL TAKE FROM THIS MONEY FOR THE ASSISTANCE YOU WILL GIVE TO ME. (All of it you crook!)ONE PASSIONATE (The last time I was passionate, my wife slapped me)APPEAL I WILL MAKE TO YOU IS NOT TO DISCUSS THIS MATTER WITH ANYBODY, SHOULD YOU HAVE REASONS TO REJECT THIS OFFER, PLEASE PLEASE (third time is the charm)AND PLEASE DESTROY THIS MESSAGE AS ANY LEAKAGE OF THIS INFORMATION WILL BE TOO BAD FOR US SOLDIER'S HERE IN IRAQ. (You mean that nobody else is to know?) I DO NOT KNOW HOW LONG WE WILL REMAIN HERE (He hasn't heard from Obama, yet), AND I HAVE BEEN SHOT (should have been shot in the brain before he thought of this), WOUNDED AND SURVIVED TWO SUICIDE BOMB ATTACKS BY THE SPECIAL GRACE OF GOD (The grace of God tried to commit suicide twice?), THIS AND OTHER REASONS I WILL MENTION LATER (Later?—this is the end of this correspondence) HAS PROMPTED ME TO REACH OUT FOR HELP, I HONESTLY (?!?!) WANT THIS MATTER TO BE RESOLVED IMMEDIATELY, PLEASE CONTACT ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE WITH MY E-MAIL ADDRESS WHICH IS MY ONLY WAY OF COMMUNICATION (telegrams can be traced?).

Sincerely a true American,

SGT. MIKE PETERS (Peters over and out!)

• The snow truck runs the snow to the end of the cul de sac and piles it there, so at the end of the winter there is a twenty-foot wall that doesn’t melt fully until July.
• The snow truck decides to put all of the snow piles in the mall lot in the handicapped spaces.
• The truck runs out of ice melter about ten feet before and into the large four-lane intersection. Drivers, you are on your own here.
• You are driving fifty-five on a state highway in the dark about a day after it was plowed. Suddenly you realize that the truck turned off about one mile before the road ended and suddenly your side is part of a giant drift.
• The road has been under construction with barricades all summer. Now it is winter. Do you think that they will remove the barricades for safety for the winter months? Do you believe in the Tooth Fairy?
• Of course they will plow shut the end of your driveway right when you finish hand digging it out. But do they have to do that with the summer asphalt patch, too?
• Of course, your snow blower fails to start when you have the big storm. That never will happen with the well equipped and tax supported snow fleet of your local village. Do you believe in Santa Claus?
• That neighbor who works for the city gets to push his snow mass out into the street every time without incident. Let’s see what happens when you make a mistake with your blower and send a small trickle of snow out into the parkway. Should I say a small, medium or large fine?
• Sorry, Harry, the best snow plow driver in town just retired. Now his teenaged son, Junior is behind the wheel. His specialty is to speed up and throw the salt all over your prized and expensive foliage in the middle of your property, so that it will assume a dead and brown color next spring.
• It’s garbage day, and you have to put your cans out for the trash collectors. Then it snows and here comes the snow trucks. They love wiping out garbage cans with piles of snow, and they get bonus points if they smash up your mailbox, too.

• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

This example is better than 1,000 words.. Read the story below the picture and you will understand.

THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH...

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day, a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than three years. The two of them never spoke.

One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

Without blinking an eye, she said: "They're 35 cents now."

With all of the problems that the Japanese automaker has suddenly bestowed upon itself, it was sure that sooner or later the residual effect would trickle down to the American middle management and the rank and file workers.

Today, those workers are looking through their desk drawers at home or at work, searching for the hiring contract that they signed for some even thirty years ago to seek an escape clause. That clause would exempt the average worker, and especially American ones from having to commit hari-kari when the company suffers catastrophic injury.

"We do understand that in Japan, that hari-kari is the honorable way out of a poor business decision," said a spokesman. "It has been practiced for centuries. But we do not know if it applies to Americans, and if it does, there aren't too many Japanese ceremonial daggers on sale here in the states."

"I wouldn't be able to just stab myself," said Mary Rumpus, a line foreman at the American assembly plant. "The American way is to shoot oneself, or jump from a tall building. I cannot think of a way to effectively kill myself."

A news reporter answered her, "How about just driving a Toyota?"

• It’s so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
• The economy is so bad that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
• The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
• The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
• The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
• The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting..
• The economy is so bad Motel 6 won’t leave the light on anymore.
• The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
• The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen

• Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each other.
• They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.
• Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rear view mirrors, either.
• Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed.
• Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'"

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.

The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST.

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

• Witch Is Liquidated, Original Perpetrator Escapes in Balloon.
• Cowardly Jungle Creature Struck On Proboscis by Illegal Alien In Forest.
• Revered Government Leader exposed as fraud by Terrier
• Alien Drops in on Midget community after Flying House crashes After Storm.
• Before Party, Munchkins Discover Body of Local Celebrity Under Crashed House.
• Forest Invaders Attempt to Access Poppy Field for Opium
• Oz Wizard Cannot Control Balloon, leaves Passengers Behind.
• Strange Kansas Farm girl Sports Mysterious Red Shoes
• West Witch Drops in and Surprises Party with Smoke and Fire.
• Oz Inhabitants Just Walk Around, Sing and Act Happy.
• Oprah Winfrey Is New Good Witch of the South
• Shirley Temple is Disguised Munchkin.
• W.C. Fields Turns Down Wizard Role When He Is Told Not To Juggle.
• Buddy Ebsen Says that Silver Makeup Turned Him Into A Hillbilly.