On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh.

Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?"

• What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone? A Sham Rock.
• Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? He couldn't afford plane fare.
• Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.
• What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls? Rick O'Shea.
• Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they're always a little short.

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him.

Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up: he's got a couple of broken bones and the cuts and scratches have become deep gashes. His whole body is bruised, and he is barely conscious.

Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What the hell happened? Was the cord too long?"

• Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies. You have no right to be having a good time.
• On my flight to New York there must have been a Jew in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said "occupied."
• What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already!
• How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb. None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!
• Did you hear about the Broadway play, 'The Palestinians'? It bombed!
• What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!
• Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!
• Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!
• Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group
• A small plane carrying Yassir Arafat and all his top lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed. Who is saved? The Palestinian people!
• Two Israelis are in an elevator when the doors open and a Palestinian gets on. After the doors close, the Palestinian lets out a huge, noisy fart. The doors open again and the Palestinian gets off. One Jew looks at the other, wipes his brow and says, "Thank God! Must have been a dud!"
• What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."
• A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, "After Abdul blows up, can I have his room?"

"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.

 "What's this?" the boss asks. The New Yorker replies,

 "Ain't you got no brains?" Replied Viiny: "Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit......"

"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."

Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."

The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree, dat's 99".

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."

Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."

The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"

Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and does his business at each of dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an'a turd which makes one hundred. ...

..... Bada boom, bada bing. ........ When do I start the job?"

•  . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
• You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
• Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
• You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
• You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
• You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
• If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
• There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
• You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you Really, Really know you're Italian when:

• Your grandfather had a fig tree.
• You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
• Your mom's meatballs are the best.
• You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
• Plastic on the furniture is normal.
• You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
• You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
• You've called someone a "mamaluke."
• And you understand "bada bing"

And to add insult to injury ...

• Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians hate all witnesses.
• Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.

"Am I a white horse with black stripes,or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That is a question that only God can answer."

So...the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please---I must know--am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?" God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more. St. Peter asked, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said, you are what you are."

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra," Well then, that answers it----you are a white horse with black stripes." The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?" "Because," said St. Peter, "if you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."!

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

... who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"

Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi nods yes)

"Did you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes)

"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes)

"And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes)

"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!"

...until he was appointed a new lawyer. The lawyer comforted his client with the soothing words "Ah, don't a worry 'bout a thing, you goin' outta here flying!"

The judge reviewed Jimmy's case yet the lawyer never argued his client's case. The shyster said: "Look, for $230 more I can really help you out", Jimmy said: "Here ya go" and the lawyer assured him: "Don't worry, we're a winnin' this case, you're goin' outta here flying!"

A few days pass and the lawyer still hadn't said anything on his client's behalf. What shocked everyone was when the judge announced that Jimmy Sedan was to face the electric chair for the murder of a next door neighbor. The lawyer still remained silent. Jimmy faced the jury and the judge asked: "Is there anything, Jimmy Sedan, you wish to say before I sentence you to die in the electric chair?"

Sedan looked at his pokerfaced lawyer and pleaded: "You told me not to worry. That the case was a piece of cake. You kept saying I was goin' outta here flying!"

The lawyer looked puzzled and said: "Oh, so sorry, my mistake, my native Japanese got the better of me...I meant to say you're goin' outta here frying!"

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down." So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.

The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out stepped two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedora hats.

These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living s**t out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired killing the wolf, then they got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins from Brooklyn....The Guinea Pigs." 

...sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."