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An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs
it.
Out comes the Genie and asks, "Master
you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes. What
would you like"
The Irishman scratches his head, then answers, "A bottle of beer that
never gets empty."
"Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.
The Irishman was delighted and got drunk on this one magic bottle for
weeks, and then he remembered that he had two other wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have
two more wishes, what would you like?"
"You know that magic, never-ending beer bottle" he asks the Genie.
"Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like two more of them."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
England
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
... ... frolicking in the
Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are
Russian."
Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Australian Aborigines are still called blacks by most people, as it's quite descriptive.
Many were educated by missionaries, and one day two men were talking when one said "I've got proof that Adam and Eve were white."
"What?" said the other, astounded. "You're always on about God being black and all, so how could his first creation be anything else?"
"Well, you know when the snake offered Eve the apple?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, if they'd a been black they'd have eaten the snake, not the apple."
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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A Scotsman was admitted to hospital at the age of 98.
The doctors confirmed his worst fears – he was dying of multiple organ failure. Both he and his wife became resigned to his imminent passing, but he told his wife he had one last request that would send him off happily.
“Love, get that wee piper to come in and play me some of those tunes we used to hear in the old country. That would be grand, I’d be smiling as I go in those pearly gates.”
So she gets permission and asks a bagpiping friend to do the honours. She waits in the canteen while the piper pipes - she doesn’t actually like the sound too much – and when he leaves she goes back to the ward. Her
husband is sitting up in bed, a big smile on his face, with all the doctors and ward staff gathered around looking rather glum.
“Eh, lass, I’m feeling so much better. Oh, but that were grand. Thank you, my dear, I reckon I could go back home, I feel so well.”
“That’s marvellous,” replies his wife, “but why is everyone else so sad?”
“Well, ma’am,” says the ward sister, “I’m afraid all the other patients died.”
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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| Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. ... ... So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the
Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care."
The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!
"Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!
Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.
Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.
Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.
Submitted by Dianne, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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| Moishe is driving in Jerusalem.
He's late for a meeting. He's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says, "G-d, if you find me a parking spot I promise that I'll eat only kosher, I'll respect Shabbas and all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one."
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md/
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| Moishe Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.
He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moishe explained.
"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
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| The circus got to a little town in county Down, Ireland, early one sunday and began to set up.
One of the clowns, who also did acrobatic acts, being a god-fearing Catholic, went off to the little church for early confession, but found the priest still having breakfast and not yet in his robes.
"Will ye be hearin' me confession, now, father?" the acrobat asks.
"Why, sure, my son, I'll be doing that right away, but I haven't seen you here before. You be just passin' through, like?"
"Oh, no, father," replies the man, "I'm all with the circus now. It's come to entertain the folks, like. It's settin up now on the green. You need to come, father, it's right excitin. I'll get ye a ticket, that I will.'
"Oh son, I could not be goin to the circus, now, not that I've ever been, mind, but It would na be right for me to go. But, I'll tell ye, I'm interested in what thely'll be seein. What, say, do you do in the circus?"
"Me, Father? Why I'm doing the bit of acrobatics, now, that I am."
"Acrobatics? I've never seen that now - what do you have to do. Jump about a bit, somethin loike that?"
" Oh,father, more loike sumersaults, loops, catherine wheels, that sort o thing, you know.
"No, I never seen anythin loike that. It does sound excitin. Perhaps you could show me? Give me a demonstration, would be grand, that would."
"Well, father, not here now. I'd need a bt more room loike. I could do a couple a tumbles down the aisle, I suppose, if that would be right wi' you?"
"Sure, an there's no one here this early ever. Come on, show me!"
So they went out into the church and the acrobat proceeded to do some hand stands, tumbles, and wheels down the aisle. The priest was entranced and demanded an encore - but unknown to him to of the old ladies from the village had got to mass early and were wathcing
this from the shadows to one side. They were astounded, holding their breath in amazement, but one finally leant over to the other and said "Well, dear, if them's the pennance the father's handin' out this morning, I'm goin to go home an put on me knickers."
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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| McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini ... ... each time removing the olives and placing them in
a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| Three Irishmen were stumbling home from the pub late one night ... ... and found themselves on the road which led past
the old graveyard.. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin "
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...
- That's not right: Sum Ting Wong
- Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding
- See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao
- Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni
- Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan
- I bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
- I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat
- It's very dark in here: Wao So Dim
- I thought you were on a diet: Wai Yu Mun Ching
- This is a tow away zone: No Pah King
- Our meeting is scheduled for next week: Wai Yu Kum Nao
- Staying out of sight: Lei Ying Lo
- He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka
- Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu
- Great: Fa Kin Su Pah
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery ... ... and he insisted that his
son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ..
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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Real "Personal Ads" in the Dublin News
- Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous blond interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
- Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
- Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
- Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
- Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
- Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
- Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
Submitted by Pat, Germantown, Md.
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| Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Submitted by Cathy, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City ...
... One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says:
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him
just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listens to the priest and, turning to the beggar with the cross says,
"Moshe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about marketing!"
Submitted by Pat, Smith Mountain Lake, Va.
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How the Jews got the ten Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said:
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said: "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said:
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
"And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said":
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said:
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
"And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said:
"Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said:
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
"The French wanted an example and the Lord said:
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested.
He went to the Jews and said:
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free." "We'll take 10."Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
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| With Pesach soon upon them, the Jewish community in Madrid ... ... found
themselves in a desperate situation. There was an acute shortage of horseradish. (Now many of you may not know that horseradish is the key seder ingredient, and not only that fiery condiment for gefilte fish, and which is also known as chrain).
A hue and cry arose and the entire community was mobilized in an effort to prevent this shonda (shame, tragedy). All the European Union Countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in
Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid.
Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph, tear-jerking, Israeli horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the EL Al 789 flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well. Unfortunately, when the
Rabbi went to the Madrid Airport to claim the horseradish he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.
wait for it!!!!!
As a result: The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.
... Ok, ok, so you might have to be Jewish to appreciate the humor ...
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md. |
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