She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU."

According to the Treasury officials the quarter will not work in parking meters, toll booths or vending machines. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the machines.

• "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
• "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
• "Can you hear me NOW?"
• "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
• "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
• "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
• "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
• "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
• "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
• "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
• "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

• Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
• A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
• Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
• Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
• Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• Alarms: What an octopus is.
• Dockyard: A physician's garden.
• Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
• Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
• Oboe: An English tramp.
• Pasteurize: Too far to see.
• Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
• Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

... were sitting by the side of the ocean.  It was a romantic full moon when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"C'mon Baby, let's you and me play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."

1. If you divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10, what do you have?
2. Seven months of the year have 31 days; how many months have 28 days?
3. A doctor gives you 3 pills with instructions to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
4. A farmer has 15 pigs, all but 9 die. How many does he have left?
5. Carl the butcher wears a size 12 shoe, is 6 foot 3 inches tall and wears a 42 long suit. What does he weigh?
6. A man takes a barrel that weighs 50 pounds, and then puts something in it. It now weighs less than 50 pounds. What did he put in it?
7. Twelve pears hanging high, 12 men passing by. Each took a pear and left eleven hanging here. How can this be?
8. What runs around a house but doesn't move?
9. If one child has 5 2/3 sand piles and another has 2 1/3, and you combine them, how many sand piles do you have?
10. Your mother's brother's only brother-in-law is asleep on your couch. Who is asleep on your couch?
11. What runs but cannot walk?
12. Joe was out for a walk and it started to rain. He did not have an umbrella and he wasn't wearing a hat. His clothes were soaked, yet not a single hair on his head got wet. How could this happen?
13. According to recent studies, how many birthday does the average person have?
14. How much dirt is in a hole that has a dimension of 6 feet long x 3 feet wide x 4 feet high?
15. An electric train is traveling South at 70 mph, the wind is blowing 30 mph to the East. Which direction does the smoke going to travel?

Answers ...

1. 60
2. 12 months
3. 60 minutes
4. 9 pigs
5. He weighs meat
6. He put a hole in it
7. Each was the name of one of the man passing by
8. A fence
9. 1 sand pile
10. Your father
11. Water
12. Joe is bald
13. 1 birthday
14. None.
15. Electric trains don't blow smoke

If your score is ____ Your a ____

15 = Genius,  13-14 = Wise, 11-12 = Intelligent,
08-10 = Average, 05-07 = Dumb Ass, 01-04 = Retarded

... was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well!"

... I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."

So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"

"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.

"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"

"Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

... However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected.  Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.

--------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted back to his wife, "What setting do I set the washing machine on?" ...

"It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Atlanta Braves."...

He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. Then he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

Pause....

A little voice came out of the box "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

... and says "I must tell you something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent!"

A blonde nun in the back says, "Thank God! I am so tired of White Zinfandel"

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?" ask the owner

"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." Replied the clerk.

"You idiot!" Yelled the owner" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

"Of course you can!" replied the clerk, "Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

... I wanted to make my friends aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.

• Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.Grace
• Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
• Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Polly, Warner Cracker.
• 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.
• Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.
• Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as: FedUP
• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
• Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
• Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become: Knott NOW!

That's all I have right now. Invest wisely ...

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way, so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is..."

Get ready .......You may never forgive me for this one "... Molasses!"

... and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go!

Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics. Thumbs down again. Then came, "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good. How about, "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried, "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go. Nor did; "Analysis and Anal Cysts",

"Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks", or "Loons and Moons" work either.

Almost at their wits end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be acceptable to the council; "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

"APPROVED"

That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now comes the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS"---------I feel safer already.

... with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:

• Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
• Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
• Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
• The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
• The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
• Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
• The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
• Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
• Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
• The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
• ABBA: "Denture Queen"
• Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
• Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
• Procol Harum: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
• The Beatles: "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

... and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse ass. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

Answers:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.
4. The answer is Charcoal.
5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.