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| The politician went to go out to the
local reservation and to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked
the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya..."
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Really bad puns to start you week off ...
- What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.
- A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
- Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.
- A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath". So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs
enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin should do it."
- What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
- In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created
the world's first anti-lox breaks.
- Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.
- Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
- A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the
window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
- A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.
Submitted by Don, Middletown, Md.
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Definitions you may not know:
- Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
- Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
- Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.
- Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
- Control: A short, ugly inmate.
- Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
- Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
- Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
- Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.
- Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.
- Misty: How golfers create divots.
- Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
- Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.
- Polarize: What penguins see with.
- Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
- Relief: What trees do each spring.
- Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.
- Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
- Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
- Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
- Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| Everyone has been guilty of looking at
others their own age and thinking, "I don't look that old!"
I'm sure you've done the same. You may enjoy this short story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall,
handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1957."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Andy, Gettysburg, PA
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| Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and
finally they got married ... ... and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course,
they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad
name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand
she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who
advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her,
one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just ....
are you ready?
... A common tater !!
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| A man and wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that. Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............
"HEBREWS"
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| A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see I'm a
gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.
Submitted by Kate, Columbia, Md.
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| An Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer
stopped to help a stranded motorcycle rider ... ... standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was
heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carburetor was frozen.
"Well, pee on it," the Mountie said.
"Can't," replied the rider.
The helpful Mountie unzipped his fly and proceed to pee on the carburetor himself, and the bike soon fired up.
A few days later, the local department received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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| An old snake goes to see his Doctor ... ...
"Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? ...
... Anyone Can Roast Beef!
- How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
- How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
- How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.
- How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
- What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
- What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
- What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
- What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
- What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
- What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
- What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
- What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.
- What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
- Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
- Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
- Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
- What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
- What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
- Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
- What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
- How Are A Texas Tornado And A Iowa Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him
and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says ...
... "He should have quit while he was a head!"
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides up to the bar and announces:
... "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
- Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted
to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it,
too.
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby, discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name
him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
- These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men
of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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| A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and
all strung out.
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin
was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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Helpful hints ...
- If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!
- Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
- An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful, inexpensive vibrator.
- Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.
- High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
- A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
- If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
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| The police were on the pursuit of two burglars, a man and a woman ...
After an intense search the detectives caught up with the burglars and brought them into the jailhouse. The Captain of the precinct looked at the detective and
said: "I want to question the burglar wearing women's clothes"
The detective looked chagrined: "I'm sorry, Captain, but you're gonna have to wear your own clothes, that's the rules!"
Submitted by Jerry, Greenfield, OH.
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| A little old lady goes to the doctor and says ... ...,
"Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've
been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
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