• Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts....yeah, jocks allright!
• Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never 'jocks'. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack.
• Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.
• Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)
• Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and any color of the rainbow .... gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
• Connemaras: Gorgeous chicks with sultry eyelashes, sexy curves, devil-may-care attitudes. NOT into studying or anything to do with geometry. Great fun to be around, delightful senses of humour, and the world's best pranksters. Can usually be found in the nearest pub, entertaining the masses. Fast and easy.
• Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
• Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.
• Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP them?
• Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas??).
• Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
• Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.
• Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were having half as much fun!

• You use your horse's mane/tail comb to put up your hair.
• You use your horse's braiding bands for your own hair.
• Your entertainment for the week is playing in the manure pile.
• You fight for what wheelbarrow your going to get.
• You give your horse more baths than you get yourself.
• Your horse has more blankets than you do clothes.
• You clip your horse more often than you shave your legs.
• You spent more money on your horse's front shoes than you did on all
• your own shoes put together.
• You didn't have air conditioning, but you got two fans for your horse's stall.
• You go to a horse show rather than going to church.
• Your horse has more grooming supplies than you have cosmetic products
• You wear the same dirty clothes every day, so you don't have to make another outfit dirty.

On the second day, God created man to serve the Horse.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to spook the Horse when man was on his back.

On the fourth day, God created an honest day's work so that man could labor to pay for the keeping of the Horse.

On the fifth day, God created the grasses in the field so that Horse could eat and man could toil and clean up after the Horse.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Horse healthy and man broke.

On the seventh day, God rested and said "This is good. This will teach man humility. It will tire him out and keep him striving ever forward to meet the needs of the Horse."

• EASY TO LOCATE. She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
• UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD. Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
• OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER and operates it exclusively in the barn.
• A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
• ECONOMY MINDED. Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
• A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST. Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
• OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS, but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
• EASY TO OUTFIT. No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tackstore.
• FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL. Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
• UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT. She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
• A DEDICATED CLUB WOMAN, as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
• HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART. Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
• A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION. She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
• KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET. Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on a tie.
• AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONALIST. Can rattle on endlessly about training.
• SOCIALLY AWARE. Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
• A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY. House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
• EASY TO PLEASE. A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
• SENTIMENTAL FOOL. Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
• SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS. If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!

"I know!" Peter exclaimed. "Why don't we have a horse show?"

"Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.

The trio pondered this a moment when Peter said, "We'll invite Satan. I mean, all of the World and National Champion horses are here. His stable is filled with the spoiled, difficult, and mean horses. We're certain to win!"

And so they called up Satan and invited him to their horse show. Satan asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.

Peter, Paul, and John did not understand. Incredulous, Peter asked, "We have all of the champion horses in heaven! How could you possibly beat us?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Have you forgotten, gentlemen? I have all the judges in hell!"

1. Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job."
2. Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavaletti; exits at K.
3. Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home.
4. Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline.
5. Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars.
6. Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass.
7. Your working trot had you working harder then your horse.
8. In your salute, your inadvertently use your whip hand causing your horse to perform airs above the ground.
9. Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium."
10. Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery near letters.
11. Your horse's response to the canter aid is "Can't, er, what?"
12. Your twenty meter circle involved jumping the rail twice.
13. Your halt took place in the judge's lap, instead of at X.
14. Your thoroughbred interpreted elasticity to involve trying to kick himself in the head with his back feet during the working canter.
15. Your horse entered the arena at A, and M, and H, and B...
16. Judge's comments include words like "unusual, dramatic, explosive, and tragic"
17. Leg-yields involve your leg yielding before the horse does.
18. Free walk was interpreted by your Arab to involve prancing, a rear, and a few bucks.
19. The judge asks you take the broken letters with you when you leave.
20. Voodoo dolls of your horse were found in the possession of the show's grounds manager.

Good Things About Husbands:

• Husbands are less expensive to shoe.
• Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
• A lame husband can still work.
• A husband with a belly-ache doesn't have to be walked.
• Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back.
• They're better able to understand puns.
• If they're playing hard to catch you *may* be able to run them down on foot.
• They know their name.
• They pay their own bills.
• They apologize when they step on your toes.
• They seldom refuse to get in the vehicle.
• They don't panic, yelling and running all through the house when you leave them alone. (unless you left the kids too)
• For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them.

The Horse's Advantage:

• If they don't work out you can sell them.
• They don't come with in-laws.
• You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
• You never have to iron their saddle pads.
• If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
• They smell good when they sweat.
• You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
• It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
• You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
• They don't want their turn at the computer.
• They turn white with age, but not bald.
• They learn to accept restraint.
• They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.

Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items.

I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!

THE REPLY:

Dear User,

Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything!

A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup.

A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.

Sincerely,

Tech Support

ENDURANCE RIDER: Light bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse / respiration / hydration levels to respectable levels. Once that is done, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb. Um, any chance that the light bulb could assist me in my conditioning regimen.....

DRESSAGE QUEEN: Me! Change a light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought!

CLASSICAL DRESSAGE QUEEN: These things can not be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of classical light bulb changing.

EVENTER: Hmm, as soon as my arm is out of this sling broken after falling off at that large stone wall (whilst riding Hell For Leather cross country) I'll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It will put hair on your chest. Only prissy Dressage Queens require lights, anyway.

SHOW JUMPER: Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows that the sun shines out of my ass. Why, when I release over a jump, the spectators are practically blinded.

NATURAL HORSEMAN You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video available at $99.00 on my Website). Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer" designed by me - $99.00 each, for extra $49.99 you get video thrown in) will behave as all good light bulbs should.

• A sentimental fool. Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
• Easy to locate. She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
• Upholds the double standard. Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
• Owns one vacuum cleaner and operates it exclusively in the barn.
• A social butterfly, providing the party is given by another horsey
• wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
• Economy minded. Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
• A culinary perfectionist. Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
• Occasionally amorous, but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, a slight trace of chapstick.
• Easy to outfit. No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tack store.
• Features a selective sense of smell. Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
• Unmistakable in a bathing suit. She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists.
• A dedicated club woman, as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in it's name.
• Has your leisure at heart. Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture (which, in turn, converts itself into mud.)
• A master at multiplication. She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
• Keeps an eagle eye on the budget. Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on a tie.
• An engaging conversationalist. Can rattle on endlessly about training and the pros and cons of castration.
• Socially aware. Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
• A moving force in the family. House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
• Easy to please. A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
• Shows her affection in unusual ways. If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!