Dear Tech Support,

Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!

THE REPLY:

Dear User,

Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.

Sincerely, Tech Support

Crossly, as they prepared to leave, the young couple confronted the old folks. "Why do you not at least dispose of "The Old One". She is no longer of use to you. It's been years since you've had foals from her. You should cut corners and save where you can. Why do you keep her anyway?"

The old man looked down as his worn boot scuffed at the barn floor and his arm stole defensively about the Old One's neck as he drew her to him and rubbed her gently behind the ears.

He replied softly, "We keep her because of love. Only because of love."

Baffled and irritated, the young folks wished the old man and his wife a Merry Christmas and headed back toward the city as darkness stole through the valley. So it was, that because of the leave-taking, no one noticed the insulation smouldering on the frayed wires in the old barn. None saw the first spark fall. None but the "Old One".

In a matter of minutes, the whole barn was ablaze and the hungry flames were licking at the loft full of hay. With a cry of horror and despair, the old man shouted to his wife to call for help as he raced to the barn to save their beloved horses. But the flames were roaring now, and the blazing heat drove him back. He sank sobbing to the ground, helpless before the fire's fury. By the time the fire department arrived, only smoking, glowing ruins were left, and the old man and his wife. They thanked those who had come to their aid, and the old man turned to his wife, resting her white head upon his shoulders as he clumsily dried her tears with a frayed red bandana.

Brokenly he whispered, "We have lost much, but God has spared our home on this eve of Christmas. Let us, therefore, climb the hill to the old pine where we have sought comfort in times of despair. We will look down upon our home and give thanks to God that it has been spared."

And so, he took her by the hand and helped her up the snowy hill as he brushed aside his own tears with the back of his hand. As they stepped over the little knoll at the crest of the hill, they looked up and gasped in amazement at the incredible beauty before them. Seemingly, every glorious, brilliant star in the heavens was caught up in the glittering, snow-frosted branches of their beloved pine, and it was aglow with heavenly candles. And poised on its top most bough, a crystal crescent moon glistened like spun glass. Never had a mere mortal created a Christmas tree such as this.

Suddenly, the old man gave a cry of wonder and incredible joy as he pulled his wife forward. There, beneath the tree, was their Christmas gift. Bedded down about the "Old One" close to the trunk of the tree, was the entire herd, safe. At the first hint of smoke, she had pushed the door ajar with her muzzle and had led the horses through it. Slowly and with great dignity, never looking back, she had led them up the hill, stepping daintily through the snow. The foals were frightened and dashed about. The skittish yearlings looked back at the crackling, hungry flames, and tucked their tails under them as they licked their lips and hopped like rabbits. The mares pressed uneasily against the "Old One" as she moved calmly up the hill and to safety beneath the pine.

• You don't have to sneak your riding magazines into the house.
• If you are having trouble with riding, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
• The Ten Commandments don't say anything about riding.
• If your trainer takes pictures or videotapes of you riding, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
• Your horse won't keep asking questions about other horses you've ridden.
• It's perfectly respectable to ride a horse you've never met before, just once, or, ride many horses in the same day, whether you know them or not.
• When you see a really good horse, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining riding him.
• If your regular horse isn't available, he/she won't object if you ride another horse.
• Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you ride by yourself.
• When dealing with a riding trainer, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
• You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy riding stuff.
• You can have a riding calendar on your wall at the office, tell riding jokes and invite co-workers to ride with you without getting sued for harassment.
• There's no such thing as a Riding Transmitted Disease.
• If you want to watch horses on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel (but you might need a video tape).
• You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of riding.

• I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
• I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
• I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
• My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
• I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
• I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
• I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
• I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
• I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
• I will NOT bite my furrier's butt just because it is there.
• I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
• I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
• I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
• I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
• I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
• I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
• I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
• I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
• I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
• I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
• I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
• I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
• I accept that not every carrot is for me.
• I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
• I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
• I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
• I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
• I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
• I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.

• Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
• Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big trail ride.
• A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you’ve been to your favorite tack shop.
• Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
• Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
• Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
• Well Mannered: Hasn’t stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
• Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
• Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
• Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
• Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
• Colic: Gastro-intestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
• Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
• Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
• Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
• Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".
• Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
• Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
• Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
• Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
• Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
• Light Cribber: We can’t afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
• Three Gaited Horse: A horse that… 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.