Humorous Sayings set 15

My Little Sister's Jokes > List of Humorous Sayings > Page: 14 | 15 | Next

My Little Sister's Jokes is happily maintained
by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

Help us build our joke and story bank.
E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net

Spotted in a toilet of a London office: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below ...

In a Birmingham department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
In a Norwich office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back Or further steps will be taken.
In an Swindon office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on The draining board.
Outside a Chester secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. why not bring Your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Notice in Cambridge health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
In a Leicester laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the Light Goes out.
Spotted in a Longleat safari park: Elephants! Please stay in your car.
Seen during a Blackpool conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on The first floor.
Notice in a field in Wiltshire: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull Charges.
Message on a leaflet in reading: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
On a repair shop door in Newcastle-on-Tyne: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell Doesn't work.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

Actual Entries in Hospital Charts

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rayed, and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examine revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got divorced.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield. Co.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from the Easter Bunny

Don't put all your eggs in one basket
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
Walk softly and carry a big car rot (carat)
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
There's no such thing as too much candy
Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
All work and no play can make you a basket case
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
Some body parts should be floppy
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

Happy Easter!

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

More insights on life age brings ...

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing
What happens to a man is less significant than what happens within him.

Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

More Witticisms of Life ...

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
I don’t do drugs anymore ‘cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Sign in a Chinese pet store: "Buy one dot, get one flea."
I have my own little world, But it’s OK…. They know me here.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the idiot you married.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades… now THAT’S a message!
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect: therefore, I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

Murphy's Law Addenda

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted; then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 percent of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Flashlight: A case for holding leaking dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.
When you go to court, you put yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound, so some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

The Year's Worst [Actual] Headlines of 2002

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Submitted by Patrick, Muskegon, Mi

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

More Deep Thoughts ... Part 12

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

Did You ever Wonder?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why are Trix only for kids?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Is Disney World the only people-trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

If policemen where allowed to say what they really thought ...

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

More Insights One Gains as They Go Through Life ...

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

More Headline Stories for the Year 2035

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.