List of Humorous Sayings

My Little Sister's Jokes > List of Humorous Sayings

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Happily maintained by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.	Help us build our joke and story bank. E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


	You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When... (10/12) Oneliners (9/19) Ingenious Analogies (8/15) Tips with English Grammar (8/15) Real personalized license plates for cars in the United States (8/8) Terms to Know (7/22) The real meaning of real estate terms... (7/20) Think About It (7/13) Words of Wisdom (6/27) Deep Thoughts About Pigs and Sheep (6/22) More Oneliners... (5/20) I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs, the birds love it! (4/15) Do you may remember the old Catskill comics of Vaudeville days ... (4/13) Police Comments taken from actual police car videos (4/13) Truths for Mature Humans (4/11) Why the idiot's application for Medical School got rejected... (4/8) When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? (4/6) Funny Signs (3/30) When Insults had Class (3/21) Actual Newspaper Headlines - Proving text editing is a lost art (3/11) Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes (3/9) Dear Noah, I finally landed in New York... (3/9) Interesting Ads and Signs (3/7) Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of it's Warranty (for Star Trek Geeks) (2/28) Things to Remember During a War (2/23) 2010 Stupid True Headlines (12/1) Truths for Mature Humans (11/19) A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech... (10/18) Original Thoughts by Tim (10/13) Life's Crazy Rules (10/6) Excuses, excuses... (9/17) Even More One Liners ... (9/15) Random thoughts to start your Friday off right (9/10) More one liners... (9/8) An ode of English Plurals and Other Unmentionables (9/3) Classic Definitions and Cool Meanings (8/13) Random Thoughts (7/12) Creative Puns for Educated Minds (7/12) The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson (6/30) Dumb Instructions (6/21) Sometimes it Only Takes One Line (6/18) Phorism: A short, pointed sentence... (5/28) New Drugs on the Market (5/14) Good Puns (5/7) Notable saying from Mother-in-laws of famous people (5/3) Some Really Good Questions (4/26) Terms you should know (4/9) Play on Words (4/7) Interesting observations (4/2) The Laws of Ultimate Reality (4/2) Signs Your Mobile Home Is Haunted... (3/29) Real Signs and Advertisements (3/22) Things to Ponder (3/15) Random Ramblings (3/12) 40 Rules for Living (2/26) Actual Newspaper Headlines (2/15) Final Words... (2/1) Words of Wisdom (1/30) Actual Accident Summaries (1/18) Ever Wonder Why... (1/15) 2009 Interesting Ads and Signs, Part I (12/11) Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century (12/7) For those sarcastic moments when you need just the right insult (11/16) Procrastinator's Creed... (11/9) More Funny Signs (11/4) Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie (10/19) Ponder These (10/7) Random thoughts from people our age (9/4-9) Life's Crazy Rules (8/28) One liners... (8/21) Reasons You Should Buy a New Car (8/17) Ambrose Bierce was one of the world's greatest satirists (8/10) 15 Ways to be Annoying (7/15) You've Been in College Too Long When... (7/10) One-liners to make you smile (6/28) Gentle Thoughts for Today (6/22) Bumper Snickers (6/1) Funny Messages to Send via Twitter (5/29) The Philosophy of Life (5/6) Why, Why, Why? (5/4) Wise Sayings on Government (4/17) Twisters... (4/13) How To Tell If Your Spouse Was on "Survivor" (1/19) 2008 If only…. (12/5) Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers (12/1) Who said That? (11/28) Music Appreciation (11/21) New Stock Market Terms (11/19) Amazingly Simple Home Remedies (11/12) What can ruin a restful evening (11/10) Newspaper Headlines with Double Meanings (11/5) Tidbits from someone who watches a bit too much TV (10/27) Our Town Is So Small... (9/29) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out (9/22) Quotable Quotes (9/19) You Know You've Booked a Cheap Flight When... (9/8) The Symphony Orchestra Is Not So Good—Why? (9/5) Thoughts From a Wandering Mind (8/29) How you can tell if your car dealer wants to unload that "lemon" on you... (8/27) You Know You've Booked a Cheap Flight When? (8/22) Simple Questions, Complicated Answers (8/15) Some Signs that your neighbor is over patriotic (8/13) Sensible Observations (8/11) How to tell if the restaurant is not first rate (8/4) Universal Truths (7/25) Some signs warning you that your television show is going off the air (6/27) How you can tell if your mutual fund adviser might be a crook (6/25) Proverbial Truths... (6/20) I wish I had said that ... (6/20) Five Good Riddles... (6/16) Totally useless facts to bore your friends with... (6/9) You know to change your vending service company when (6/4) How To Tell That your retail giant is going out of business (6/2) How To Get Yourself Noticed In A Restaurant (5/30) Signs That You Didn’t Hire a Good Nanny (5/28) How to tell if your local gas station is crooked (5/12) One Liners to Make You Smile (5/9) Police Quotes ... (5/5) Old Rancher's Advice (5/2) Good Advice Military Style (4/25) The Wisdom Of Our Time... (4/18) Not the brightest bulbs in the lamp... (3/28) Did They Mean to Say That? (3/24) Signs That Things are Weird (3/21) What car names really mean ... (3/14) Gentle thoughts for today (3/12) More actual newspaper headlines... (2/18) Pondering the Imponderable (1/28) What it 'Really' really means (1/16) Doctors: What they say & What they really mean! (1/11) Oh, how we love words. These are some... strange definitions (1/7) 2007 More humorous observations on life (12/5) Everything I need to know about life I learned from old TV shows (11/28) Quotes by Albert Einstein (10/29) When Insults Had Class (10/19) The Nose-Picking Glossary (10/15) Some fascinating things on old tombstones! (10/8) You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When... (10/5) Vermont's Dumb Laws (9/10) Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System (9/7) Interesting Quotes (8/27) Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep (8/17) How Mary Jo sees life! (8/10) Recently seen bumper stickers ... (8/8) Great police one-liners (8/3) George Carlin's new rules (8/3) Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie (8/1) Rodney Dangerfield one liners... (7/27) Ramblings of a retired mind (7/11) Definition of a kiss (6/29) These are real notes written by parents.... Spellings have been left intact (6/20) Actual outtakes from articles in British Newspapers (6/15) Strange Hospital Chart Notations (6/13) Some more from the master of the scalpel, Ambrose Bierce (6/4) What the teacher says and (what the teacher means) (6/1) Good Housekeeping (5/25) Collected Comments of College Students (5/23) Things people have actually said ... (5/18) More Deep Thoughts (5/14) Actual Newspaper Headlines (5/11) The Iraq version of why the Chicken Cross the Road... (5/9) The Modern Child's ABC of Social Graces (5/7) The Procrastinator's Creed (4/18) A Good Pun is Its Own Reword (4/13) You Know You're In Trouble When ... (4/11) 21st century observations - Take 2 (4/11) How do you know when ... (4/9) Tips to Improve Your Writing (4/6) Life Lessons (4/4) Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams (4/2) Murphy's Lesser Known Laws (3/30) More Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn (3/30) Some folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls... (3/26) Laws of the Natural Universe (3/9) Travel Agent Terms (3/5) Pun-tificating (3/2) Military Words of Wisdom ... (2/26) Actual correspondence received by a Family History organization (2/11) More Hollywood Squares TV Show takeouts (1/24) Tips for a more enjoyable life ... (1/5) 2006 Miscellaneous quotes (12/29) Metaphors - high school varieties (12/18) Strange Quotes on "Social Behavior" (12/1) Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline (11/10) If you love someone as told by ... (10/25) Real Tombstone Inceptions (10/20) Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support (10/16) Conversion Table for brainy types (10/9) Police Quotes (10/2) Deep Thoughts About Pigs and Sheep (9/22) More actual signs from businesses who really enjoy what they are doing ... (9/18) Did you ever wonder if ... (9/8) You know its hot outside when ... (8/18) George Carlin's new rules for 2006 (8/11) Murphy's Other Laws (8/4) Cynical Meanings (7/28) Actual call center conversations (7/12) Insulting with class (7/10) Welfare Applications (6/28) More real signs that give you pause when read ... (6/16) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?' (6/16) Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it (6/7) Universal Truths ... (6/5) Questions to ponder... (6/2) The Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary ... (5/26) Questions to ponder over first cup of coffee of the day (5/22) Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? (5/8) Strange "Dumb" Quotes: (5/3) More from the wicked wit of the Devil's dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (5/1) More Time Honored Truths (4/28) Ambrose Bierce was one of the greatest wits the world has ever produced (4/21) Do you may remember the old Catskill comics of Vaudeville days ... (4/17) Zen for those who take life too seriously (4/14) Police Comments taken from actual police car videos (4/12) Unwritten laws of life ... (4/5) The Modern Day Tool Box (4/3) What Car Company Names Really Mean (3/31) We have all been asked how many people of various kinds does it take to change a light bulb (3/22) Murphy's Laws et. al. (3/13) More one line witticism on life (3/3) Lost in translation (3/3) Mark Twain was renowned for his irreverent sayings and cutting wit ... (2/6) An Old Farmer's Advice ... (1/23) Notable Notices (1/18) 2005 More random thoughts from someone a tad bit tired of idiots in today's world ... (11/30) More Aviator's words of wisdom (11/11) Some of the Odd Things about Living in the 21st Century (11/4) If Lawyers Can Be Disbarred and Clergymen Defrocked? (10/31) Aviations Truisms ... (10/28) How many members of your astrological sign does it take to Change A Light Bulb? (10/24) You know you are addicted to coffee if ... (10/21) Grade change form (10/3) Headlines Waiting to Happen (9/26) Idle Thoughts from a Retired Person ... (8/31) Random thought take 14 (7/20) An Old Farmer's Advice (7/6) Thirty Lines to Make You Smile (6/24) Gentle thoughts for today... (6/20) Ramblings from Dave (5/27) New definitions for everyday medical terms (5/4) Bob Hope's reflections on: (4/29) Questions without Answers ... take 3 (4/22) Zen Thoughts ... for those who take life too seriously (3/25) The year's best new words ... (2/28) Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? (2/14) More lessons learned form a long life (2/11) All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From A Cow (2/9) Life lessons my grandfather taught me ... (2/2) For those who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in their history ... (1/24) 2004 Monday morning random thoughts ... (12/6) How to sing the Blues... a primer (11/12) You know you're over 25 when... (11/8) I haven't thought about fender skirts in years ... (11/3) Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? (10/27) For all you (and other geniuses) who have difficulty converting units ... (8/16) A few rather creative plays plays on words ... (8/11) More random thoughts from someone with too much time on their hands ... (7/26) Random thoughts of an unknown retired person (7/16) News Headlines for the Year 2029 ... (6/4) Real questions asked of Librarians ... (3/29) Thanks to you sending me chain letters in 2003, this is what happened to me ... (3/26) Random one-liners (2/20) Best t-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach in the summer of 2003 (1/14) This year's first entry into the rambling thoughts category ... (1/5) 2003 I was thinking the other day ... (12/1) New word winners for 2003 ... (11/21) The comedian Steven Wright, once said: (11/10) Rambling Thoughts from Debbie ... (10/8) 25 Things You Should Have Learned by Middle Age ... (9/22) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez (9/3) Humorous reflections on life by noted personalities ... (8/15) Recently seen saying on tee shirts ... (8/15) Who Thinks these Product Labels Up? (7/25) Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway ... (7/23) One-line puns that didn't quite make it to the big time ... (7/18) Insights on life from Jean ... (6/20) Spotted in a toilet of a London office: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below ... (5/16) Actual Entries in Hospital Charts (4/23) Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from the Easter Bunny (4/18) More insights on life age brings ... (3/17) More Witticisms of Life ... (3/10) Murphy's Law Addenda (2/19) The Year's Worst [Actual] Headlines of 2002 (2/3) More Deep Thoughts ... Part 12 (1/22) Did You ever Wonder? (1/7) If policemen where allowed to say what they really thought ... (1/13) 2002 More Insights One Gains as They Go Through Life ... (12/18) More Headline Stories for the Year 2035 (11/25) Headline Stories for the Year 2035 (11/4) Bumper stickers we've recently seen ... (11/1) More lessons one learns in a successful life (9/27) How come we choose from just 2 president and 50 for Miss America? ... (9/20) Spotted in a toilet of a London office: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below ... (9/11) New definitions for old words (8/16) Tee Shirt Witticisms (7/29) The following were some comments made in the year 1957 ... (7/19) Signs that Show Businesses Still have a Sense of Humor ... (8/10) Ever wonder why your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed? (7/8) In an apparent copycat terrorist act, a Polish terrorist, Stanley Bin Ladinsky ... (7/1) A very simple little test to determine the level of your intellect ... (6/24) If English had male and female nouns ... (6/3) Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? et. al. (5/31) If truth in advertising where applied to tools ... (5/24) More Actual Bumper Stickers ... (5/15) More insights on life from those who like to poke fun at it. (5/8) Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns and explain their reasons ... (4/29) Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn (4/24) How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ... (2/27) More one-line lessons of life (2/22) More Bumper Stickers that prove American's have a great sense of humor! (2/20) You Know You Joined a Cheap New HMO When... (2/15) Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... (2/13) More worthy rules to live one's life to ... (2/11) Each year readers to take any word from the dictionary ... (2/4) Random thoughts from comedian Steve Wright ... (2/1) Excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) (1/25) Further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity ... (1/18) Insightful one liners to impress people with at parties (1/14) 2001 Signs You've Grown Up (12/12) One Liners from airline pilots and flight attendants (11/26) Actual Quotes From Patient's Charts ... (11/12) Classic Restroom Graffiti (11/9) The Best T-Shirts of Summer, 2001 (Part 1) (10/31) Lessons Cowboys have Learned: Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. (10/22) More Pearls of Wisdom drawn from life experiences (10/5) How to make a telemarketer regret calling you ... (9/28) More great sayings from Flight Attendants ... (9/19) More celebrity one liners (9/17) Different Ways to Say You're Not So Bright ... (9/10) Outtakes from The Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show (8/20) Martha's way and My Way ... (8/15) More insights on life from celebrities (8/1) More celebrity one-liners ... (7/30) Think about it... (7/13) Driving techniques around America ... (7/9) The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you (6/1) Remember, amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic. (5/12) Things you can't say with a hallmark card (5/7) You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When: (5/3) Questions only someone with too much time on their hands could dream up ... (5/1) Did you ever wonder ... Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? (4/20) Rules Of The Air: Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. (4/18) All those who believe in Telekinesis, raise my hand. (4/16) Modern Proverbs: If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. (4/14) Actual T-shirt Slogans i.e., "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Cape Cod) (4/12) More ' George Carlinisms' (4/5) Humorous insights on what makes a really good teacher. (4/2) Quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers: (3/30) Top Ten Times In History when using the "F" word was appropriate. (3/19) Things To Ponder for 2001 (3/16) The World's Thinnest Books ... (3/12) More life's insights for the famous and not so famous. (3/1) Great Truths about Life That Adults Have Learned (2/27) Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. (2/23) Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? (2/20) Groucho Marx was a master at delivering one-liners ... (2/12) Only In America can a pizza arrive at your house faster than an ambulance . . (2/8) My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for ... (2/6) Handy Conversions Factors (2/1) Crossbreeding has brought some new & different canines into being (1/29) New list of new Latin phrases, "ex quo" (from which) (1/27) More Deep thoughts from comedian Steven Wright (1/23) Deep thoughts from comedian Steven Wright (1/22) What your selection of newspaper say's about you (1/20) Oath to My Friend (1/17) Baby Boomers relate : The '60s vs. the '90s. (1/16) George Carlinisms - How come wrong numbers are never busy? (1/12) Toys around the world (1/10) Notice to all EMS Personnel ... (1/1) 2000 More Famous Quotes (12/31) Top ten list of things to do to prepare for the ski season: (12/27) More Bumper Stickers we all would like to have: (12/26) People that make dirt look smart (12/22) Lest we forget how difficult it is to master the English language (12/21) The day Hell actually froze over (12/10) Little know NCAA facts (12/10) Advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech (12/7) More great bumper stickers - part 2 (12/6) More great bumper stickers - part 1 (12/5) 'Sicko' Kid book title ... need we say any more (12/4) Things to do at Walmart while your spouse is taking his/her sweet time. (12/3) More great signs to make you smile... (11/30) The other side of exercising ... (11/29) Idiots in everyday life ... (11/28) Insights from Will Rogers (11/27) I want to go back to a time when: (11/25) In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed ... (11/2) Entertaining in-flight safety lectures and other announcements (10/31) More one liners and deep thoughts ... (10/31) Andy Rooney blurbs (10/30) Best bumper stickers of 1999 (10/27-28) Real classified ads found in newspapers ... (10/25) Great sports quotes (10/24) Mathematics over the Years (10/23) Restroom words of wisdom (10/23) Things you can't say with a Hallmark (10/22) Actual answering machine messages (10/13) Lessons I've learned... (10/4) Things you’ll never hear a mother say (10/3) Did you ever wonder ... (9/29) How to speak about women and be politically correct (9/28) Handy engineering conversion (9/27) More questions without answers (9/21) 19 things that it took me 50 years to learn - By Dave Barry (9/19) Will the real dummy please stand up (9/18) Signs that you've had too much of the 90's (9/17) Great store signs (9/10) If truth in advertising were applied to state mottos (9/5) A few deep thoughts (9/5) Top 12 things not to say to a cop (9/2) To those who take life too seriously ... (9/2) Answers to really big questions (8/27) George Carlin's philosophy class (8/19) Questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee (8/16) The rules of chocolate (8/8) Things my mother taught me (8/6) 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls (8/3) All I need to know in life I learned from my horse (8/1) Old Proverbs with a new twist (7/30)