Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why do they lock gas station restrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.
 

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1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3.  There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you, anyway.

Submitted By Marianna, Columbia, Md.
 

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• AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
• Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
• An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
• Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
• A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
• In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
• Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
• A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
• A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"
• In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
• A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass." After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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• You try to enter your password on the microwave.
• You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
• You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
• You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
• You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
• Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
• You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
• You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
• Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
• You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
• The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
• Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
• You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
• You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
• Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

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• On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
• At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
• At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
• In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
• At the Electric Company: "We will be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
• On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
• In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
• In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
• Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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• Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
• Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
• Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
• Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
• California: As Seen on TV
• Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
• Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
• Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
• Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
• Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
• Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
• Idaho: Potatoes and Neo-Nazi's . . . What More Could You Ask For?
• Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
• Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal-Wave Free
• Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
• Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean S#*@
• Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
• Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
• Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
• Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
• Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
• Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
• Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
• Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
• Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
• Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and VeryLittle
  Else
• Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
• Nevada: Whores and Poker!
• New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
• New Jersey:
  You Want a ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
• New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
• New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney . . .
• North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
• North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!
• Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
• Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
• Oregon: Spotted Owl . . . It's What's For Dinner
• Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
• Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
• South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender!
• South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
• Tennessee: The Educashun State
• Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les(Yes, I speak English)
• Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
• Vermont: Yep
• Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
• Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
• Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
• West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
• Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
• Wyoming: Where Men Are Men And Sheep Are Nervous

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.
 

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• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"?
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...Toothpicks?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
• How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
• If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
• Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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• I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
• Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
• Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
• Are You Andy or Barney?
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
• You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
• I pay your salary!
• Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
• Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
• I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
• When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent.
• Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember half the people you know are below average.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever - so far so good.
• Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
• The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
• Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
• Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.
 

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• How do crazy people go through the forest? - They take the psycho path.
• How can you make holy water at home? - You boil the hell out of it.
• What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? - Dam!
• What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? - Polaroids
• What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? - A stick.
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours? - - Nacho cheese.
• What do you call Santa's helpers? - Subordinate clauses.
• What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? - Quatro sinko.
• What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.
• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? - A nervous wreck.
• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? - Anyone can roast beef.
• Where do you find a dog with no legs? - Right where you left him.
• Why do gorillas have big nostrils? - Because they have big fingers.
• Why don't blind people like to sky dive? - Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
• What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? - Sanka.
• What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? - The location of the dirt bag.
• Why do a pilgrim's pants always fall down? - Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
• What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad  skydiver? - A bad golfer goes, whack, "darn." - A bad skydiver goes "darn," whack.
• How do you catch a unique rabbit? - Unique up on it.
• How do you catch a tame rabbit? - Tame way, unique up on it.
• What do you call skydiving lawyers? - Skeet.
• What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop? - An Amish drive-by shooting.

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• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys  and apes?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the  bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• The older you get, the better you realize you were.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
• Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
• Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

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