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Police Quotes ...
  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  • "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
  • "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
  • "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  • "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
  • "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD
 

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Old Rancher's Advice
  • Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
  • Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
  • Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
  • A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
  • Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
  • Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
  • Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
  • Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
  • It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
  • You cannot unsay a cruel word.
  • Every path has a few puddles.
  • When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
  • The best sermons are lived, not preached.
  • Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.
  • Don't judge folks by their relatives.
  • Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  • Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
  • Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
  • Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin '.
  • Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
  • The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
  • Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
  • If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
  • Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.
 

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Good Advice Military Style
  • "Aim towards the Enemy." Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
  • "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." USAF
  • "When the enemy is in range, so are you." Infantry Journal
  • "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." U.S. Air Force Manual
  • "Tracers work both ways." U.S. Army Ordnance
  • "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
  • "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." USAF
  • "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan
  • "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
  • "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
  • "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
  • "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -and therefore, unsafe."
  • "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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The Wisdom Of Our Time . . .
  • It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
  • You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  • We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?
  • The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
  • A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
  • When blondes have more fun do they know it?
  • Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes Use Birth Control
  • Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.
  • If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.
  • Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
  • Time's fun when you're having flies. ......Kermit the Frog
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  • Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
  • Artificial Intelligence Is No Match for Natural Stupidity.
  • GUN CONTROL: using both hands
  • The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
  • The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

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Not the brightest bulbs in the lamp ...
  • They told me to meet them at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
  • at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", they put "Sagittarius."
  • They asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
  • They studied for a blood test.
  • They thought they needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
  • They sold the car for gas money!
  • When they missed the 44 bus, they took the 22 bus twice instead.
  • When they went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," they turned around and went home.
  • When they heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, they moved.
  • They think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
  • If they spoke her mind, they'd be speechless.
  • They thought that they could not use their AM radio in the evening.
  • They had a shirt that said "TGIF," which they thought stood for: This Goes In Front.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Did They Mean to Say That?
  • On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."
  • In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."
  • In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
  • In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center."
  • In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."
  • On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
  • On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
  • At a number of military bases: "Restraicted to unauthorized personnel."
  • In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."
  • On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."
  • In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan.
  • On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."
  • At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."
  • At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
  • In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."
  • In an New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
  • In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."
  • On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."
  • On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law -- Sisters of Mercy"
  • On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
  • In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
  • On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."
  • In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"
  • In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
 

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Signs That Things are Weird
  • In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"
  • On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."
  • In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."
  • Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
  • On a North Carolina highway: "EAT -- 300 FEET"
  • On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."
  • On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."
  • On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."
  • In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."
  • In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
  • In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."
  • In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."
  • In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."
  • In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."
  • On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."

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What car names really mean ...
  • SAAB – Still ain’t a Beemer
  • AMC – All makes combined
  • MGB – Might go backwards
  • BMW - Bought my wife
  • VOLVO – Very odd looking vehicular object
  • ACURA – Asia’s curse upon Rural America
  • PINTO – Put in nickel to operate
  • TRIUMPH – This really is unreliable please help
  • HYUNDAI – Helps you understand nothings drivable and inexpensive
  • PONTIAC – Poor Old Newfie thinks it’s a Cadillac (Newfie is a Canadian Slang for Newfoundler – like Pollack)
  • FIAT – Fix it again Tony

Submitted by Archie, London Ontario Canada
 

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Gentle thoughts for today
  • Birds of a feather flock together, then cr*p on your car.
  • When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
  • The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  • There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  • Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
  • I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
  • You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
  •  
  • One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
  • Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
  • First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
  • It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Submitted by my wife, Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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More actual newspaper headlines...
  • March Planned For Next August
  • L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
  • Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
  • Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
  • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  • Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Pondering the Imponderable
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
  • Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
  • Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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What it 'Really' really means
  • "I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
  • "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
  • "It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  • "Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
  • "It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
  • "I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
  • "We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
  • "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
  • "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
  • "You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Doctors: What they say & What they really mean!
  • "This should be taken care of right away." - "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
  • "Well, what have we here ..." Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
  • "We'll see." - "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
  • "Let me check your medical history." -"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."
  • "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."  -1) "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." 2) "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
  • "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." - "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
  • "Hmmmmmmmm." -Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)
  • "We have some good news and some bad news." - The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
  • "Let's see how it develops."  -"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
  • "Let me schedule you for some tests." -"I have a 40% interest in the lab."
  • "How are we today?"  -"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."
  • "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." - "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."
  • "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." - "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."
  • "That's quite a nasty looking wound." -"I think I'm going to throw up."
  • "This may smart a little." -"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."
  • "This should fix you up." - "The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."
  • "Everything seems to be normal." -"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
  • "I'd like to run some more tests."  -"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."
  • "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" -He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
  • "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." -"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.
 

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