• Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
• Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
• For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
• A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
• You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
• If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

You have had a hard day, so you sit in the easy chair ready for television and then......

• A large television crew knocks on the door with a big cardboard check and a van with "Publisher's Shifty Magazine Outlet House" on it, and you doze off instead.
• A bulletin comes up on the television saying that your car model has been recalled for unexplained explosions while parked in a garage.
• Your dog gets stuck under the foot rest of your raised recliner and starts yelping.
• You notice that the toilet is running for the past two hours.
• A telemarketer calls and tells you that for only $15 a month, you could have dental root canal insurance.
• Both of your cats decide to have a fight on your lap.
• As you doze off, you hear about a fire in your town, and then you realize that burning house is yours.
• Your radio finishes its program of "Musical Meditations" and now it's time for the ""Steel Drum Rap Hour".
• Your last beer explodes in the fridge.
• Your football game between the Vikings and the Forty-Niners has been cancelled due to no fan interest.

Newspaper Headlines with Double Meanings

• March Planned For Next August
• L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
• Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
• Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

• Our city limits signs are both on the same post!
• The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell
• The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch
• The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2
• The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions
• The phone book has only one page
• There's nothing doing every minute
• The ZIP code was a fraction
• Second Street is in the next town over
• There's no place to go that you shouldn't
• A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
• The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog
• The New Year's baby was born in October

• Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
• It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• For every action, there is an equal & opposite government program.
•  If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
• Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind & narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
• Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.

• As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.
• The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.
• The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.
• The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear
• A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.
• A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.
• Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.
• A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.
• A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.

• There is a spittoon next to the podium
• The oboe player’s last job was doing duck calls at a skeet shooting match.
• The blond violin player was named first chair, so that the rest of the orchestra could continually ogle at her in the front.
• The conductor’s last job was on the Baltimore and Ohio. Before that, he went to technician’s school to see if he could also conduct electricity.
• The timpanist is famous for his stick technique and his kettle chili bake-offs during the concert.
• The audience came to the concert when they were promised free beer in the lobby and a pinup picture of Loren Maazel.
• They found wormwood in the double basses, and a transvestite in the soprano sax section.
• The orchestra was promised a road trip in the suburbs. They got a concert smack dab in the middle of the I-40 and US-36 cloverleaf. Three cabdrivers attended it along with two fifth grade classes who were on the way to a zoo fieldtrip, and a plague of locusts.
• The music of Bach, Beethoven and Brahms was replaced by Schwartz, Tinglehoff and Max the wonderdog.
• At the last concert, the conductor, Yorky Snuggle beat the orchestra three falls to none. Snuggle will go on and take on the Albany Philharmonic in the playoffs.

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I had amnesia once -- or twice.
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
• Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
• If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
• What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• How can there be self-help 'groups'?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
• Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

• They invite you to the dealership with flowers and candy and two tickets to the roller derby..
• That car is the only one left in the showroom.
• Trouble: The keys are missing, so they teach you how to hotwire.
• The hood is a different color than the rest of the car. In fact a faint hint of lettering "Taxi" can been seen on the yellow part.
• Two salesmen are wooing you at the same time, and the finance manager has baked you a cake.
• The owner of the dealership is inviting you to dinner at his club.
• There are doilies covering the urine stains in the middle of the back seat.
• You are offered what you paid for your car in trade.
• The usual 30-day guarantee has been replaced with a handshake with crossed fingers.
• The dealer is out of business the second you bought the car and is driving it away. When you return it's "Joe's Dollar Store".

You Know You've Booked a Cheap Flight When?

• As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.
• The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.
• The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.
• The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear
• A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.
• A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.
• Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.
• A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.
• A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.

• Why is abbreviated such a long word?
• Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
• Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built?
• Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?

• Fido is dressed in an Uncle Sam costume.
• He is outside waving the flag even when a short "parade" of garbage trucks pass by.
• His wife's maiden name was Betsy Ross.
• He pays his taxes, and even advances the government a little for the next year.
• He constantly calls his Congressman and offers him advice--sometimes twice a day.
• He eats the Senate Bean Soup every day at lunch.
• He publishes a newsletter and puts one next to your mailbox every day.
• His stereo blares several renditions of "God Bless America" and "The Star Spangled Banner" out the window on the hour from 6 am to 12 am daily.
• He stands before a holiday crowd and recites old Millard Fillmore speeches over a loudspeaker.
• He eats only American cheese, Yankee Pot Roast, K-Rations, and of course, the supreme American canned meat--Spam.