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| Out to dinner, a man and
his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant... ..., and the husband keeps staring at a
drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| A man walks to the corner of
Oxford Street and Regent Street in London... ... during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi
straight away.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says: "Perfect timing. You're just like Stevie"
"Who?" says the man.
"Stevie Jones. He was a guy who did everything right. Like my taxi being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened for Stevie."
"Well no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody," the man replies.
"Not Stevie," says cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have turned professional at golf or tennis and he danced like a West End star. He was handsome and
sophisticated, more than George Clooney. He had a better body than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. He was something!"
"Somehow Stevie just new exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continues.
"He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him!" says the man.
"I never actually met Stevie," admits cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks the man.
"After he died I married his wife."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A hunter and his
friend were sitting in a tree stand early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out to the corn they had spread in the shrub. The buck
was magnificent -- a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as he was already counting the Boone and Crockett points. Moving quietly but quickly, the hunter
carefully aimed his .30-30 Winchester at the unsuspecting buck..
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on his deer of a lifetime, his friend whispered that a funeral procession was passing slowly down the highway. The hunter pulled
away from the stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was stunned. 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen you do. You let a trophy deer get away to pay your respects to a passing
funeral procession. You are indeed the most sensitive man I have ever known, and I'm proud to call you my friend.'
The hunter shrugged. 'Well, we were married for 37 years.
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| When everybody on earth was dead and
waiting to enter Paradise... ... God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their
household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter.
" Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their
household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
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A man was in no shape to
drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 a.m.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture."
"And who is going to give you a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife."
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
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| Toddler Miracle Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (
the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years
you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet,
otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!!
DAY ONE----
- Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then
smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
- Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handfull of potato chips, and a glass of milk ( 3 sips only, then spill the rest)
- Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
- Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor...........
DAY TWO-----
- Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
- Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handfull of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
- Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker untill sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop
on the rug.
- Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE-----
- Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up
yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.
- Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
- Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handfull of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY----
- Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.. Once cereal is
soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
- Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A couple with three children waited
in line at San Francisco's Pier 41... ... to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.
Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another.
The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window.
"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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| A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged
from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm
trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your member was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work
as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one
before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be
disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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How to speak about women and be politically
correct:
- she is not a "babe" or a "chick" - she is a "breasted American."
- She is not "easy" - she is "horizontally accessible."
- She is not a "dumb blonde" - she is a "light-haired detour off the information superhighway."
- She has not "been around" - she is a "previously-enjoyed companion."
- She does not "nag" you - she becomes "verbally repetitive."
- She is not a "two-bit hooker" - she is a "low cost provider."
How to speak about men and be politically correct:
- He does not have a "beer gut" - he has developed a "liquid grain storage facility."
- He is not a "bad dancer" - he is "overly Caucasian."
- He does not "get lost all the time" - he "investigates alternative destinations"
- He is not "balding" - he is in "follicle regression."
- He does not act like a "total ass" - he develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion."
- It's not his "crack" you see hanging out of his pants - it's "rear cleavage."
Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| The computer
company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue... ... that included a pair
of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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A prospective juror was
surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter...
"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a
spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my
neighbor.
All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.
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Marriage one liners ...
- It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She's not marrying the best man.
- They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.
- He believes that marriage and a career don't mix. So after the wedding, he plans to quit his job.
- After the wedding ceremony was over, a little girl asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she
went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
- They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But, he finally decided to let her go.
- He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
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| Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her
husband... ... "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite
chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| After just a few years of marriage,
filled with constant arguments... ... a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been
at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat
her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a
week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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| I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mummy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So. if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mum.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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| A son asked his mother the
following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL
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| My friend's husband is always
telling her that housekeeping would be a snap... ... if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into
practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and
ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the
beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A man walks into the street and
manages to hail a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank
Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "Come on now. There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone
and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more: He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a
mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never talk back to her even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, but I married his widow."
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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On Marriage
- It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She's not marrying the best man.
- They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.
- He believes that marriage and a career don't mix. So after the wedding, he plans to quit his job.
- After the wedding ceremony was over, a little girl asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down
the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
- They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But, he finally decided to let her go.
- He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
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| After a
lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client: "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband
that is eminently fair to both of you."
"Fair to both us!" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?"
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
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The Most Important Discoveries
- Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
- Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
- Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
- Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
- Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
- Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| When I
returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator...
It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| My wife and I were at my high school reunion.
As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs.
Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said
to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."
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