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A married man left work early one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday
night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple
of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just
out of the corner of his left eye!
Submitted by Michael, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Some common questions about pregnancy:
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a 9 month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you are pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when the baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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Great truths about life that adults have learned:
- Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
- There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look.. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.
- One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in anaerobics class pulls a hamstring.
- Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
- The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
- Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
- Remember the strong oak tree in your backyard is just a nut that held its ground.
- Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
- My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Submitted by Flo, Germantown, Md.
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Ellie visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Ellie stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
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| There are several men in the locker
room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me." "Sugar!" "Are
you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good
price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great!, before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot,
but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid 420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs
to?"
Submitted by Alicia, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| A woman awoke during the night to find that
her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just
staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know . . . I would have gotten out today."
Submitted by Wink, New York, New York
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A man will . . . A women will . .
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand
her at all.
- Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow seem to deteriorate during the night.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
Submitted by Curtis, Burlington, Vt.
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| Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect
his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
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The Elements
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic
food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: MN
Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to
conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of
time.
Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane gas. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
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| A man was complaining:
Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meanwhile my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me
into my wife" she's got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the
washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from
the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1: 00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice,
went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs
because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00
o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell a sleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again:
Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying: Dear son of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have
to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| Job Description Position for a Mom
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses
not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing
to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard
are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone
calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must
always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining
and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could
only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa.
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| A man and a woman who have never met before . . .
. . . find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep.
The man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight let's pretend that we are married."
The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"
The woman says "GOOD.....
Get your own *&^%$@! blanket
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
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| Whenever your child/children are out of control . . .
. . . you can take comfort from the thought of what happened to God's Children.
After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said to them was; "Don't ! "
"Don't What?" Adam replied. "
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?" Hey Eve...We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why??"
"Because I'm your creator and I said so!" Said God, Wondering why he hadn't stopped after making elephants. A few minutes later God saw the children having an
apple break and became angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"UH huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" God asked
"I dunno," Eve answered
"She started it!" said Adam.
"Did not!"
"Did so!"
Having had it with the both of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
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| One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the
townspeople were in church . . .
. . ., listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
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| "Honey," said this
husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." replied the nonchalant husband.
"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?!?" said the infuriated wife.
"Because the poor guy's thinking about getting married."
Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| A man staggered into an emergency room
with two black eyes . . .
. . . and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. " I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to
look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked
over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my
mistake."
"What did you do? asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
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