• "My wife has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt." --Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
• "My wife was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that My Wife would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?" --Ted, Wexford, Pa.
• "What's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; My Wife sleeps in my T- shirts. When My Wife's cold My Wife wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. My Wife steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. My Wife even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do." --Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
• "You can hear her eat soup from the next room." --Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
• "My wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, My Wife asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs." --Miles, Shreveport, La.
• "Every so often boom! My wife’s a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is." --Cary, Seattle
• "My wife will brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist. " --Terence, Gary, Ind.
• "My wife’s stopped shaving her legs. My Wife says that now people will know she's a natural blonde." --Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
• "My wife takes her half of the bed out of the middle." -Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
• "Have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?" --Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
• "My wife’s allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate." --Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
• "My wife wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death." --Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
• "My Wife takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair." --Archie, St. Louis
• "My Wife will not shop at discount stores or sales. My Wife thinks they're crowded and plebeian. My Wife doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother." --Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
• "It annoys her that our children look like me." --James, New Orleans
• "With five kids, I don't have time to complain about . don't have time to notice her." --Bob, Charleston, W.Va.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,000? And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?

The widow says, "Three carats."

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

... You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'

Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

Then the judge continues, 'you are also charged With beating your daughter to death with a hammer.'

Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

The judge says, 'now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?'

Then the man at the back of the court says, 'fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'

• Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
• Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
• Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
• When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
• Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
• On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.
• A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
• The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
• Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, make bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
• Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 50th wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw," said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened 50 years ago?"

• FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
• FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
• NOTHING: This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."
• GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
• GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
• LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
• SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
• THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow.
• GO AHEAD: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
• PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
• THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.

"I have no idea", says the husband.

"Well, please test her. Say something 20 feet away, and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing until she does. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?" No answer.

From 10 feet, same thing.

From 5 feet, same thing.

Finally he's standing right behind her. "What's for dinner?"

She turns around, looks at him and says "For the fourth time, beef stew!"

• Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
• We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
• I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
• "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said so I suggested the kitchen.
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
• My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
• She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
• She said, " Too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
• Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
• Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
• The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!

• At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
• When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S.A., the rest cheat in Canada.
• A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is FINISHED.
• Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she!

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup ..... I wanna be a bear.

• Smart man + smart woman = romance
• Smart man + dumb woman = affair
• Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
• Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Office Arithmetic

• Smart boss + smart employee = profit
• Smart boss + dumb employee = production
• Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
• Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Shopping Math

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

General Equations & Statistics

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Happiness

• To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
• To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Longevity

• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Memory

• Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Propensity to Change

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Discussion Technique

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Comprehension

• There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman ­ before marriage and after marriage.