• Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ...but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Going out is good. Coming home is better!
• When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
• When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything .... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
• You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
• The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
• You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... especially golf. ~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
• The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
• Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
• You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married ... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
• When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem .... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
• You use more 4 letter words .... "what?"..."when?" ???
• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M. ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
• You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
• Now that your husband has retired .... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
• You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule and headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

• Never be arrogant.
• Don't waste ammunition.
• Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
• Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
• Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning 'Walk and Talk Club.' There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my, 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hairnets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 PM, because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.

At 5:30 PM we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 PM we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet tall and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers.

The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live? Murray 's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice ? There's no difference. They're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.

• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

• Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ...but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Going out is good. Coming home is better!
• When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
• When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything ... movies, hotels, flights.
• You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
• The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
• You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.
• Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
• The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
• Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
• You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married ... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
• When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
• You use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?" ???
• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
• You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
• Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
• You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.

According to lead singer Mick Jagger, "Either we stay at home and become pillars of the community, or we go out and tour. We couldn't really find any communities that still needed pillars." Keith Richards piped in.... well, sorry, but no one could understand what Keith piped in with, as Ron Wood wiped the drool from his chin.

Some Stones songs have had to be revised for a more age-appropriate theme:

• "Under My Gums"
• "Dye It Black"
• "Let's Take a Nap Together"
• "You Can't Always Get What You Want, Without A Prescription"
• "I Can't Get No . . . Health Insurance"
• "Pain in My Heart - Where's My Nitro?"
• "Hey! You! Get Off Of My Lawn!"
• "Sister Motrin"
• "Sleep Fighting Man"
• "Help Me Up"
• "It's All Over Now, Just Pull The Plug"
• "Time Is On My Side (Well, Maybe Not)"

• You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
• You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
• Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
• You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
• You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order.
• You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya..
• You keep repeating yourself.
• You start video taping daytime game shows.
• At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.
• You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
• Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.
• At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
• Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
• When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
• One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
• You keep repeating yourself.
• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
• You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
• You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
• You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
• You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
• You look both ways before crossing a room.
• Your social security number only has three digits.
• You keep repeating yourself.
• You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
• You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.
• You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
• The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."
• At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

• Beat around the bush
• Jump to conclusions
• Climb the walls
• Wade through the morning paper.
• Drag my heels
• Push my luck
• Make mountains out of mole hills
• Hit the nail on the head.
• Bend over backwards
• Jump on the band wagon
• Run around in circles.
• Toot my own horn
• Pull out all the stops
• Add fuel to the fire
• Open a can of worms
• Put my foot in my mouth
• Start the ball rolling
• Go over the edge.
• Pick up the pieces.
• Kneel in prayer
• Bow my head in thanksgiving
• Uplift my hands in praise
• Hug someone and encourage them.
• What a Workout!

Rest At Last.

• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
• You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
• You watch the Weather Channel.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
• You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
• You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
• You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.
• Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
• Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.
• A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
• You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
• 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
• You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, but, can't find one to save your life.

• "I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type." Bob Hope
• "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..." Sir Norman Wisdom
• "Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late." Mike Tyson
• "You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." John Mendoza
• "As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." Robert Quillen
• "People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body." Geoffrey Parfitt

David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney. He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.