A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming.

Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
• When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?
• I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
• All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
• I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
• Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
• A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
• It's hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven't been anywhere.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
 

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Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

• ATD: At The Doctor's
• BFF: Best Friend Fainted
• BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
• CBM: Covered By Medicare
• CGU: Can't get up
• CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
• DWI: Driving While Incontinent
• FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
• FYI: Found Your Insulin
• GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
• GHA: Got Heartburn Again
• HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
• IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
• LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
• LOL: Living On Lipitor
• LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
• OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
• OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
• ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
• TTYL: Talk To You Louder
• WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
• WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
• WTP: Where's The Prunes?
• WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
• GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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• Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know "why" I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
• How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it is such a nice change from being young.
• One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
• Ahh, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
• If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
• First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then...Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!
• If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a wind breaker??

And best of all...

• I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Bill, of the Willys
 

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..., there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

• ATD: At The Doctor's
• BFF: Best Friend Fainted
• BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
• CBM: Covered By Medicare
• CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
• DWI: Driving While Incontinent
• FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
• FYI: Found Your Insulin
• GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
• GHA: Got Heartburn Again
• HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
• IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
• LMDO: Laughing, My Dentures Out
• LOL: Living On Lipitor
• LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
• OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
• OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
• ROTFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing..... Can't Get Up
• SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
• TTYL: Talk To You Louder
• WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
• WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
• WTP: Where's The Prunes?
• WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
• No one expects you to run--anywhere.
• People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• You think humor must be good for your body, exercise and diets haven't worked well.
• You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
• You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You sing along with elevator music.
• Your eyes won't get much worse.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• You know more about prescription drugs than you pharmacist
• You can't remember who sent you this list.
• My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
• Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
• It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
• These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

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• Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like you really hung one on the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle-aged.
• You join a health club and don't go.
• You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
• You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• A fortune teller offers to read your face.
• You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
• You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
• You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".
• You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."
• You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
• You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
• The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot.
 

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• When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
• On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past but never the present.
• A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
• The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
• Many girls like to marry a military man he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
• How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.
• I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
• Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
• Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
• How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
• One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
• Ahh, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
• If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
• First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then...Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!
• If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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... I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• Age doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese." --Billie Burke
• "An old-timer is someone who can remember when a naughty child was taken to the woodshed instead of to a psychiatrist." --David Greenberg
• "Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty." --Robert Frost
• "Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week." --Maggie Kuhn
• "Inside every 70-year-old is a 35-year-old asking, 'What happened?'" --Ann Landers
• "You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing." --Michael Pritchard
• "Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." --Phyllis Diller
• "From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, she needs a good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash." --Sophie Tucker
• "Retirement must be wonderful. I mean, you can suck in your stomach for only so long." --Burt Reynolds
• "Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul."--Douglas MacArthur
• "Old age is always 15 years older than I am." --Bernard Baruch
• "It has been said that there is no fool like an old fool, except a young fool. But the young fool has first to grow up to be an old fool to realize what a damn fool he was when he was a young fool." --Harold Macmillan
• "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." --Lucille Ball
• "You're only young once, but you can be immature all your life." --Charles Scoggins
• "I just don't think of age and time in respect of years. I have too much experience of people in their seventies who are vigorous and useful and people who are thirty-five who are in lousy physical shape and can't think straight. I don't think age has that much to do with it." --Harrison Ford
• "Old age is no place for sissies." --Bette Davis
• "It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." -Jackie Mason
• "The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older." --Doug Larson
• "I used to dread getting older, because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older, I find that I don't want to do them." --Lady Nancy Astor
• "A man is as old as the woman he feels." --Groucho Marx
• "As a senior citizen, you may as well learn to laugh at yourself. Everyone else is." --Judy Huffman
• "Laughter doesn't require teeth." --Wil Newton

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.

 "No way am I getting on an air plane," was the inevitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Revision of 60s songs...

They just don't make the songs like they used to any more!!!!!!!

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday. They include:

• Bob by Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
• Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker
• Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
• The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip
• Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
• Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now.
• Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
• The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
• Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of  Hair
• Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
• The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
• Abba - Denture Queen
• "You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?
• Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
• Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
• Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To
• And Last but NOT least...
• Willie Nelson ---On the Commode Again

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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• Most people deserve each other.
• All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
• The one who snores will fall asleep first.
• The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
• The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
• If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
• The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
• Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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"How was your golf game, dear?" asked a wife...

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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