The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.' The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favours to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.'

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt, doing drugs, while I work. . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year, lasting until he is 80 years old.

Assuming the next president lives to age 80:

1. Sen. McCain would receive ZERO pension, as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.
2. Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms, so would receive $4,973,800 in pension.

Therefore, it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.

Now, how's that for non-partisan thinking???

She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

1. Liberals, and 2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a lawyer who is married to a lawyer.

On the other side,

you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What are you lads thinking over there?

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.

Then, little Bobby Joe, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately'.

He went into the barracks and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear.

Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.

The moral:

A candidate may promise change in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

• When you shake hands with him, two of your fingers are suddenly missing.
• He has an off shore corporation based in the Bahamas that supposed to sell bananas.
• Instead of calling him "congressman" his employees call him "boss".
• He has a wife at home, another in D.C., a maid, a housekeeper, a college intern, an out of college intern, and three more secretaries than he needs.
• He has a house in your district, but he never lives there, and one in Las Vegas, another in Costa Rica, another in D.C., another in Spain.
• Everyone pays him--the gardener, the garbageman, the cable guy, the local councilman, the mayor, the CEO from the airline, his mistress, his dog and the goldfish.
• The only way he gets to talk before the television cameras is if he is indicted.
• At roll call, he always seems to be on a foreign junket.
• Everyone else pays his bills.
• His pictures appear in his district at election time, but he can never make those debates that he scheduled.
• His dog is named "Bugsy".
• All of his real estate holdings pay no taxes.
• His apartment buildings are run down and need of attention.
• His daughter and son are running for student council, and Dad is supporting them with a ticker tape parade down the school hallway.
• His guest list at his parties include labor leaders, politicians,
• Miss America winners, Miss Universe Winners, some business men with lots of money and nobody from the press.
• His suits come from Paris instead of "Suit Bargain Express".
• His headquarters is in a high-rise.
• He never looks straight at you when he shakes your hand.
• After he does so, you notice that your rings are missing.
• His fillings in his mouth are now made of gold.
• His wife is driving his old Cadillac. His mistress is driving the new Lexus, and she is driving him.
• He has pictures of well-known politicians on his wall-with names such as "Lucky" and "Big Jim" and "Shifty".
• He spends more time in Las Vegas than he does in Washington.
• You only see him in the district around election time.

• There are two political parties that dominate the electoral process, known as Democratic and Republican. Parties that you used to go to at Rocky Top’s Bar, is not part of the current political scene.
• You vote by ballot at a polling place, you don’t have to raise your hand and ask, "may I?" to get a ballot. If you are registered, they will let you have one.
• * Girls, only one person at a time in a voting booth. This isn’t the ladies room. There is no mirror in there.
• Instead of a listed candidate for an office, you can write-in your own choice. Just make sure it isn’t a rap star’s name from Harlem, or a deejay from Malibu that you put in as a joke. The listed candidates are funny enough.
• Contrary to popular opinion, you do not have to memorize the listing of candidates before you vote. This isn’t a civics or constitution test. It isn’t a test of your intelligence unless you voted for a cartoon character from an old Disney movie. Then they know that you haven’t any intelligence.
• Some voting booths have "touch screens" to electronically register your choices. But it isn’t a video game and don’t search for "Monsters from Nara" or "Batman’s Fantasy Shootout" on a side screen.
• Don’t call the elderly election judge "pops". Nobody has done that since 1940. Also, the poll watchers outside are not spies from China.
• No cussing at the candidates names when you are in the voting booth. You should have done all of your cussing before you arrived and during the campaign. It’s only after the election is over is when you finally realize that you voted in imbeciles.

Washington, DC -- March 29, 2008

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of April 1, 2008. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 7 years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Ms Rice was present to explain the email to him.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the office of President as of April 1, 2008. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY. Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President of something."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush has never had a clue either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

WalMart has expressed interest in him as a greeter position. This position was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his vacant smile.

P.S. Vice President Dick Cheney will be taken on a quail hunting trip by a group of homeless people for his last day on the job.