..., saying that they don’t care about others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category. This story involves the police department in the small hillcountry town of Fredericksburg, who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, police do care.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Submitted by Ken, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka .

• If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
• If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

• Spending it at car boot sales, or
• Going to night clubs, or
• Spending it on prostitutes, or
• Beer or whisky or
• Tattoos.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Not rearing pigs...

This is a letter sent to Rt. Hon. D. Milliband, MP, UK Secretary of State for DEFRA. When interviewed by The Times, the Johnson-Hill family stated they are not expecting a reply any time soon.

Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square, London, SW1P 3JR

16 July 2009

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Nigel Johnson-Hill

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England
 

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• I've heard of the Tea Party and the Coffee Party, but I'm waiting for the Free Beer Party!
• American conservatives may claim to be conservative, but when it comes to defense spending, they are certainly liberal.
• We have the best politicians money can buy because that's the only way most of them get elected in first place.
• Rep. Mark Souder of Indiana resigned after getting into a sex scandal. Evidently, some politicians take the task of "screwing the voters" too literally.
• Souder said that he was very, very sorry that it happened and that he will try not to get caught again.
• Dan Coats, a Washington lobbyist, is running for the U.S. Senate in Indiana. A Washington lobbyist as a U.S. Senator? Well, that would be one way to cut out the middleman.
• The last time Dick Lugar ran for the U.S. Senate, the Democrats couldn't find anyone to run against him. I guess no one wanted to oppose a man whose name sounded like a gun. If anyone thinks that they can beat Lugar, they just don't know Dick.
• I could believe that Sarah Palin is the leader of the Tea Party. I mean, who else could lead a tea party except for a mad hatter?
• You know you've got a bad judge if he farts and yells, "Odor in the court!"
• An article about Mitt Romney mistakenly said that he had five wives instead of having five sons. I guess that they just got him mixed up some of his ancestors.
• Sarah Palin said that she could blow a moose away. I suppose that's either with a shotgun or with her mouth.
• Sen. Scott Brown said in a speech that his daughters were available. I'm sure that they were just tickled pink that their dad told millions of people that they can't find dates.

Submitted by David, Fort Wayne, IN
 

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• The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree, and think 25 to life would be appropriate. -Jay Leno
• America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. -Jay Leno
• Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. -Conan O'Brien
• Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. -Jay Leno
• Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. -David Letterman
• Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America! -Jimmy Fallon
• Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers. -Jimmy Kimmel
• Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. -David Letterman

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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• In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.- John Adams
• If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. - Mark Twain 
• Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
• I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill
• A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw
• A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon Liddy
• Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
• Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
• - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
• Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
• Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986)
• I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
• If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke
• In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)
• Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)
• No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)
• Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Anonymous
• The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan
• The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill
• The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain
• The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
• - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
• There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.- Mark Twain
• What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Written & submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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... said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class. The majority of that class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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... unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

However, I have been told that rule has recently been changed for this and for the next 4 years, tax payments will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

Please check with your Tax adviser to confirm.

Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Submitted by Don, Bethesda, Md.
 

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...in Springfield, Illinois; One from Chicago, another from Tennessee, & a third from Kentucky. They all go with to examine the fence. The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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...., one of the things that seems to happen are they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision", and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
 

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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... as a result of his faux pas or ‘Bushisms' as they've been dubbed. Here are twenty favorites.

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Md.
 

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...that when Obama holds a rally 25 - 30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds a rally he only draws 10 -15,000 people.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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