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Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalogue and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalogue?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
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Earl was passing by Bubba's hay shed one day... ... when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing, Bubba?" says Earl.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Bubbia. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart...
... they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize; a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Submitted by Dick Williamsport, Md.
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Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider.
He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge-- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
Submitted by dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Bubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.
One day they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe,
"Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?"
His friend replied, "Shore nuff, I put a big ole 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
"You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don't get that same boat today?!"
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish... ... and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen
nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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You know you're a redneck jedi when..
- You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
- You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
- You have ever used your light sabre to open a bottle of Bud Light.
- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer coloured.
- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defence electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
- You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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In the mountains of Tennessee there is a gaunt hillbilly... ... who is still untouched by the complexities of modern economics. He depends on the nearby river and forest for his fish and meat, grows a few vegetables, and drinks spring
water. A neighbor visited him recently and urged him to wise up, move to a city and get a job in a factory that was paying high wages.
"You ain't getting anywhere just staying here where you was born, doin' nothin'," the neighbor said.
"Ain't gettin' nowhere?" the hillbilly exclaimed. "I wouldn't say that! When my pappy died and left me, I didn't have nothin'. But look at me now. I got nine dogs!"
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
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During a recent hot spell in Atlanta a hillbilly collapsed on the street.
Immediately a crowd gathered and began offering suggestions.
"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.
"Give him some air," a man cried out.
"Give him some whiskey," she cried again.
Several other suggestions were made and the victim suddenly sat up and hollered, "Will all of you shut up and listen to the little old lady?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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