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A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding.
The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"
The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.
Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's
Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.
When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Bubba and Cheryl had married under none too happy circumstances... ... and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty-five years, Edwin went
to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set. However, when the time came, the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bubba based his demand for an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Bubba. "I've just learned that Cheryl's father never had a license to carry a gun."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing.
After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water.
After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro asks, "What did you say?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro again asks, "What?" Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . . it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
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A group of redneck friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Bubba?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Bubba laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Bubba!"
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl
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Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you." I have some Southern folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems ... They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late
taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair!
The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call Lucifer."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Oh, hold on!"
The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"
The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."
The Devil said, "Wait one minute!" and puts the Lord on Hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back again. Now, what was the question?"
The Lord said, "I said, what kind of problems are you having down there?".
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on........., Lord"!!!! This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Southerners done put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
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| Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, PA.
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| One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart... ...
they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart/ Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, 'Great! I love spaghetti!'
Billy Bob asked Bubba, 'How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?'
'Not so good,' replied Bubba, 'I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper.'
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive.
He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip
cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.
The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the
plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open.
The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.
The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A West Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm ... ... and
knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer
Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull
and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Hillbilly Medical Terms
- Benign - What you be after you be eight
- Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
- Barium - What you do with dead folks
- Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome
- Catscan - Searching for the cat
- Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
- Colic - A sheep dog
- Coma - A punctuation mark
- D&C - Where Washington is
- Dilate - To live longer than your kids do
- Enema - Not a friend
- Fester - Quicker than someone else
- Fibula - A small lie
- GI Series - World Series of military baseball
- Hangnail - What you hang your coat on
- Hospital - The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse, or Franks lumber mill
- Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
- Morbid - A higher offer than I bid
- Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake
- Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
- Node - I knew it
- Outpatient - A person who has fainted
- Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
- Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
- Post Operative - A letter carrier
- Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
- Secretion - Hiding something
- Seizure - Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section
- Tablet - A small table to change babies on
- Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the train station
- Tumor - More than one
- Urine - Opposite of mine
- Varicose - Near by
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
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You know you're a redneck when...
- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
- You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
- You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
- The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
- You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
- You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life... ... an old codger
decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here’s a picture of my
daddy."
He bought the "picture," but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked
into the glass, she fumed, "So that’s the ugly so-and-so he’s runnin’ around with."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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You might be a redneck pilot if:
- Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
- You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
- Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
- You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
- You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
- You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
- You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
- You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".
- You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.
- You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
- You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
- Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the landing gear.
- You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
- You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years.
- There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
- There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.
- You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.
- You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
- You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
- You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
- You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
- There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
- The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals
- Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| Bubba and Clem found three hand grenades... ... and decided they better take them to
the police station.
"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asked Clem.
"Don't worry about it," said Bubba.
"We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| A Redneck student was visiting a Yankee relative ...
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Two rednecks in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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