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Tryouts for Parents of 10 year old Soccer Players
It's tryout time again, and as the title suggests, we’re looking for a few good parents to join our program. Teams will be selected based on the following
criteria:
100 Yard Equipment Carry
Load the back of an SUV with 16 balls, 12 bicycle flags, one first aid kit, one bag of 44 scrimmage vests, one bag of cones, binder, and clipboard. This
tryout activity evaluates a parent's willingness and ability to help the coach carry equipment from the parking lot to the field. Scoring (add/subtract all items which apply): +5 for
carrying all the equipment to the actual field site, +3 for carrying approx. half the equipment, -2 for carrying equipment to the edge of the field but not to the location where the team
will be training, -3 for dumping equipment just past the edge of the parking lot, +3 for carrying equipment without asking, +1 for asking "Need any help?", -10 for just walking by without
asking or helping.
Goal Moving and Tent Construction
Equipment needed: Goals, tent and accompanying hardware.
Activity: Parent must move goal to requested area on field without soliciting the help of coach or players. If damage is incurred to field, -5pts. Second
task, parent must assemble and raise the team tent in the shortest amount of time.
Variation (for advanced parents only): include additional unnecessary rods, nuts, bolts and other strange shaped hardware. Have parent assemble while wind
machine is at the "Hurricane force" setting on the dial.
Direction Finding
Equipment needed: Printed directions to the location of a field in another city.
Activity: Parents must navigate to the specified field and arrive there by a set time. Points given for arriving there on or before the designated time.
Points subtracted for arriving late or receiving speeding citations.
Bonus points given for noting the locations of a Laundromat, soccer equipment store, pizza parlor, ice cream store, and fast food facility near the field.
Variation (for advanced parents only): Deliberately introduce a typo in the directions, such as a game time of 2:00 AM, or "drive on Front Street for 11.4
miles" (instead of 1.4 miles).
Equipment Lineup
Distribute sports bags, water bottles, balls randomly in a 20 x 20 area. All equipment is marked with players' last names. On a given signal, the parent is
to line up all the sports bags, left to right, by player last name. The corresponding water bottle and soccer ball is to be placed at each longitudinal end of the bag. Record the time. Style
points given for neatness and cheerfulness. Points deducted if water bottles not matched correctly with bags and anyone notices that fact.
Variation: Line up bags by player birth date or by player genome type.
If tryout time is limited, pair parents up for this activity, though this will make overall scoring a little more difficult. Bonus points if you are paired
with your spouse or significant other and are still speaking at the end of the event.
Phone Tree
Equipment needed: A list of phone numbers, a phone.
Activity: Parent is to call each number on the list and convey the fact that Tuesday's practice has been rescheduled to Wednesday, if it has rained 37 mm or
more on Monday night; otherwise Tuesday's practice will occur one half hour earlier. Also the snack schedule has been shifted down one on the list.
Record the time required to reach all numbers on the list. +5 points for leaving a message on an answering machine, +3 for talking to an adult, -1 for
talking to a non-adult, 0 points if no one answers. Extra credit if parent uses a reverse directory, drives over, pounds on door, and delivers message personally.
Schedule Organizing
Each parent receives a packet post it notes, napkins, envelopes, letters, notices, etc., each one containing information regarding soccer game and practice
schedules, birthday parties, other athletic schedules, music lessons, school events for a player and his/her siblings. The parent must arrange all events in chronological order by sibling.
Bonus points: +1 for using different colors for each sibling, +3 for assigning which parent has drop off / pick up responsibility for each event, +5 for forming a car pool schedule with
other parents, -100 for complaining out loud about what a mess the soccer schedule is, -200 for getting together with the other parents to try and rearrange the soccer schedule to make it
more convenient for the parent.
Sideline Behavior
Equipment needed: Virtual reality goggles, 3D body scanner.
Preparation: full 3-D body scan of each player, conversion of same into computer generated character.
Activity: each parent will be viewing a computer generated soccer game. The players in the game will include their own son or daughter, whose likeness has
been scanned and made into a 3-D image. Each parent will be viewing a slightly different version of the game than that viewed by other parents. Players may suffer hard fouls, referee calls
and non-calls, verbal taunts from opposing players and teammates, make brilliant plays as well as bonehead plays, score the winning goal, give up the winning goal, etc.
Evaluation: Observe parent reaction and verbal comments to the various events which occur during the course of the game. Pay particular attention to comments
regarding the quality of coaching. Pass-Fail only.
Snacks
Equipment needed: Assortment of fruits, juices, candies, cookies, power bars, etc.
Activity: Parent must assemble a post-game snack from the above list of items. Points awarded based on nutritional content, how appetizing, and presentation.
Points subtracted based on potential negative effects on players in the second half of the game, lack of nutritional content, and propensity to litter the environment.
And my personal favorite...
Gift Selection
Activity: Parents vie to produce the most elaborate, most expensive, and best gift ever for team coach.
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
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In a class on abnormal psychology.. ... the
instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Geezer Golf Four very old retired Navy geezers came into the Army-Navy Club pro shop in
Arlington, Virginia after playing 18 holes of golf. They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, "Did you gents have a good game today?"
The first old feller said, "Oh, I had three riders today."
The second bent over guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old man said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last ancient sport said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you fellers proud of me?"
After they went into the men's locker room, an elderly lady club member that had heard the old gents telling of their game went to the pro and said, "I have been
playing golf here for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game,..... but what in the world is a rider?"
You're going to love this....
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
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One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing....
Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in
the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife ..
...and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland.
On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant
nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest
with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its
side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies'
tees?!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names
she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I
decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out
with "the girls".
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open...
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Distraught In South Carolina
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A new teacher was appointed to a Pittsburgh primary school.
Trying to make a good impression on her first day, she explained that she was a Pittsburgh football fan, and asked the students to raise their hands if
they were too.
Everyone in the class raises their hand, except one little girl. The teacher looks at her in surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Pittsburgh fan," she replies.
Shocked, the teacher says, "Well, if you're not a Pittsburgh fan, who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Cleveland fan, and proud of it."
The teacher can't believe her ears. "Why aren't you a Pittsburgh fan, Mary?"
"Because my mom is a Cleveland fan, and my dad is a Cleveland fan, so I'm a Cleveland fan too."
"Well," the teacher replies, rather annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a Cleveland fan. You don't have to be like your parents all the time. What if your mum was
a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then" says Mary with a smile, "I'd be a Pittsburgh fan"
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Cricket is an ancient game of willow hitting ball ...
Of sportsmanship and sledging, and running at the call.
You play it 'cause you love it, you play it 'cause you can -
But really understand it? I've yet to find the man.
It's jumping over hurdles while on a rocking horse,
It's looking at the steward while the jockey runs the course;
It's exciting when you hit the thing and make a winning haul,
But you never really worry that you know the game at all.
You can play it when you're ninety, you can play it when you're four,
You can drink a beer and eat a pie and never know the score,
It's a social thing, a boastful thing, a time away from chores,
You can call the great deriders just a bunch of stupid bores.
You know it's so much better than those other piddly games
Like baseball, golf, or tennis, and other stupid names.
Cricket is a game for gents, a game of great renown,
And I'm glad I've never played it for it might just get me down.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
Editors note: Lindsay submitted this to me after I e-mailed him requesting an explanation of what Cricket was and how it was played ... I still don't know
what it is, but I can confirm Lindsay does have a sense of humor!
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A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life -- that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no
other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In
disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from
palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools , and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she
says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm
going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow
ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like
doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course !"
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a Terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to
be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61,
shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished Your round of golf didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just
as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed The doctor snickered and said, "Hey, I'm just pulling your leg, you don't need to take care of her, she's dead.
So What'd you shoot?"
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY
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The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office ...
... and demanded a raise right then and
there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than
the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the
coach blustered. "Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the
hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head.
"I would have phoned."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A Texas family of football supporters
head out one Saturday to the outlet mall ...
...
to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While
in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his
older sister, "I've decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to
wear this to school".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly
whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey
in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan
and I would like to buy this jersey".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks
him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!" Off he goes with
the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan
and I would like to buy this jersey".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his
son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen
in THAT JERSEY !"
About half an hour later they're all back in the
car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son,
I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
To which the son replies, "I've only been a
Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you Texans."
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The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from the leader of
Israel "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Olmert wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the
friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make
him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Olmert as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to
inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I've ever played, by far. I
must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, and my putting was absolutely perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"And there's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
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Quotes for real life Soccer players
- "My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - Tim Cahill
- "I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka.
- "Guus Hiddink is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
- Lucas Neill.
- "If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - John Aloisi.
- "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Ned Zelic.
- "I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." - Mark Schwarzer.
- "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Vince Grella.
- "You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." - Harry Kewell.
- "I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." - Mile Sterjovski.
- "Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." - Mark Viduka.
- "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Craig Moore.
- "I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Harry Kewell.
- "I couldn't settle in Italy- it was like living in a foreign country." - Vince Grella.
- "Germany is a very difficult team to play . . . they have 11 internationals out there." - Zeljko Kalac.
- "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Jason Culina.
- "The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European." - Scott Chipperfield.
- "All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Marco Bresciano.
- "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Craig Moore.
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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| Tryouts for Parents of 10 year old Soccer
Players ... Please Read Information Carefully
It's tryout time again, and as the title suggests, we’re looking for a few good parents to join our program. Teams will be selected based on the following criteria:
100 Yard Equipment Carry: Load the back of an SUV with 16 balls, 12 bicycle flags, one first aid kit, one bag of 44 scrimmage vests, one bag of cones, binder,
and clipboard. This tryout activity evaluates a parent's willingness and ability to help the coach carry equipment from the parking lot to the field. Scoring (add/subtract all items which
apply): +5 for carrying all the equipment to the actual field site, +3 for carrying approx. half the equipment, -2 for carrying equipment to the edge of the field but not to the location where
the team will be training, -3 for dumping equipment just past the edge of the parking lot, +3 for carrying equipment without asking, +1 for asking "Need any help?", -10 for just walking by
without asking or helping.
Goal Moving and Tent Construction: Equipment needed: Goals, tent and accompanying hardware.
Activity: Parent must move goal to requested area on field without soliciting the help of coach or players. If damage is incurred to field, -5pts. Second task, parent
must assemble and raise the team tent in the shortest amount of time.
Variation (for advanced parents only): include additional unnecessary rods, nuts, bolts and other strange shaped hardware. Have parent assemble while wind machine is at
the "Hurricane force" setting on the dial.
Direction Finding: Equipment needed: Printed directions to the location of a field in another city.
Activity: Parents must navigate to the specified field and arrive there by a set time. Points given for arriving there on or before the designated time. Points
subtracted for arriving late or receiving speeding citations.
Bonus points given for noting the locations of a Laundromat, soccer equipment store, pizza parlor, ice cream store, and fast food facility near the field.
Variation (for advanced parents only): Deliberately introduce a typo in the directions, such as a game time of 2:00 AM, or "drive on Front Street for 11.4 miles"
(instead of 1.4 miles).
Equipment Lineup: Distribute sports bags, water bottles, balls randomly in a 20 x 20 area. All equipment is marked with players' last names. On a given signal,
the parent is to line up all the sports bags, left to right, by player last name. The corresponding water bottle and soccer ball is to be placed at each longitudinal end of the bag. Record the
time. Style points given for neatness and cheerfulness. Points deducted if water bottles not matched correctly with bags and anyone notices that fact.
Variation: Line up bags by player birth date or by player genome type.
If tryout time is limited, pair parents up for this activity, though this will make overall scoring a little more difficult. Bonus points if you are paired with your
spouse or significant other and are still speaking at the end of the event.
Phone Tree: Equipment needed: A list of phone numbers, a phone.
Activity: Parent is to call each number on the list and convey the fact that Tuesday's practice has been rescheduled to Wednesday, if it has rained 37 mm or more on
Monday night; otherwise Tuesday's practice will occur one half hour earlier. Also the snack schedule has been shifted down one on the list.
Record the time required to reach all numbers on the list. +5 points for leaving a message on an answering machine, +3 for talking to an adult, -1 for talking to a
non-adult, 0 points if no one answers. Extra credit if parent uses a reverse directory, drives over, pounds on door, and delivers message personally.
Schedule Organizing: Each parent receives a packet post it notes, napkins, envelopes, letters, notices, etc., each one containing information regarding soccer
game and practice schedules, birthday parties, other athletic schedules, music lessons, school events for a player and his/her siblings. The parent must arrange all events in chronological
order by sibling. Bonus points: +1 for using different colors for each sibling, +3 for assigning which parent has drop off / pick up responsibility for each event, +5 for forming a car pool
schedule with other parents, -100 for complaining out loud about what a mess the soccer schedule is, -200 for getting together with the other parents to try and rearrange the soccer schedule
to make it more convenient for the parent.
Sideline Behavior: Equipment needed: Virtual reality goggles, 3D body scanner.
Preparation: full 3-D body scan of each player, conversion of same into computer generated character.
Activity: each parent will be viewing a computer generated soccer game. The players in the game will include their own son or daughter, whose likeness has been scanned
and made into a 3-D image. Each parent will be viewing a slightly different version of the game than that viewed by other parents. Players may suffer hard fouls, referee calls and non-calls,
verbal taunts from opposing players and teammates, make brilliant plays as well as bonehead plays, score the winning goal, give up the winning goal, etc.
Evaluation: Observe parent reaction and verbal comments to the various events which occur during the course of the game. Pay particular attention to comments regarding
the quality of coaching. Pass-Fail only.
Snacks: Equipment needed: Assortment of fruits, juices, candies, cookies, power bars, etc.
Activity: Parent must assemble a post-game snack from the above list of items. Points awarded based on nutritional content, how appetizing, and presentation. Points
subtracted based on potential negative effects on players in the second half of the game, lack of nutritional content, and propensity to litter the environment.
And my personal favorite...
Gift Selection: Activity: Parents vie to produce the most elaborate, most expensive, and best gift ever for team coach.
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
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