The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.

So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

• LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
• LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
• LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
• LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
• LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.
• LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
• LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
• LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
• LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
• LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
• LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
• LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
• LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
• LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
• LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
• LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
• LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
• LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
• LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
• LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted.

He said, 'Just give me two gotchas."

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. "That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.

The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.

So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?

The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.

The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"

The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?" "Five," answered the nephew. "Okay," my brother said, "let's go."

• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
• Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
• Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
• Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
• Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
• The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - 1 A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. 2. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. 3. The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings, (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook)

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for Spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive 'first aid kit'. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - 1. The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.  2. A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

1. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the Lake."
   Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
    
2. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
   Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
    
3. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
   Caddy: "Yes Sir. you miss the ball much closer now."
    
4. Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
   Caddy: "Eventually."
    
5. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
   Caddy: "I don't think so sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."
    
6. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, it's a distraction."
   Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."
    
7. Golfer: "How do you like my game so far?"
   Caddy: "Very good sir, but peersonally, I prefer golf!"
    
8. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
   Caddy: "The way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."
    
9. Golfer: "This is the worst course I have ever played on."
   Caddy: "This is'nt the golf course, we left that an hour ago!"
    
10. Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course,

and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please?"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement:

"Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled,

"Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back.....

"Would the a*&^%#$%e with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot?!"

In a stunning move that surely is going to change the way that NASCAR races are run were announced by President Mike Helton yesterday, shocking drivers and fans alike.

"We are committed to safety, for our drivers and our fans, and we are announcing rule changes that should improve safety at all of our tracks," said Helton. They are:

• All drivers must now signal their intent to pass either by hand signals or by using new turn signal indicators that will be mounted on each car.
• Any fist fights during or after the race will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.
• Spotters will be required to just look at the drivers during the race with their binoculars, not female (or male) spectators.
• Carl Edwards will still be permitted to do back-flips after he wins a race, but will be required to be assisted by handlers and use a safety harness.
• Any wreck will be investigated by track police, and citations will be given out according to local laws.
• Intoxicating beverages will be banned from the infield areas including any sponsor that promotes them such as Budweiser, Miller and Crown Royale. Drivers of those cars involved will have to use alternate sponsors for their cars.
• After a victory, the winning car cannot ‘burn rubber’ due to EPA regulations or drive back around the track in reverse against traffic, climb the fence in front of the grandstands, or pretend to play an electric guitar during rainstorms.
• Every fan attending a race must be given earplugs, suntan lotion, and be inoculated for all infectious diseases.
• All invocations before the race must be given by a protestant minister, a Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and clergy from Baha’i, Islam, and an L. Ron Hubbard look-a-like. (A Unitarian minister can attend but needs to certify what he really believes in before the invocation. Irish clergy can attend, but should be sedated.)
• Every single male must have a permission slip to attend the race from either their wife or mommy.

"We have just signed Tom Seaver and Don Sutton," said assistant to the assistant general manager Bob Elderlee. "We feel that this move to experience will help our two younger members of the pitching staff."

"It will also help our medicare supplemental insurance needs when we reach 65", said Sutton. "It’s hard to get reliable coverage outside of baseball."

Other ancient players are being added to the roster including Larry Doby and Satchel Paige who both have passed away some time ago.

"We wanted some experience from the hereafter, since most sportswriters have been writing that this years A’s do not have a prayer to get out of the cellar," said Elderlee.

"We hoped to get Ted Williams, but he’s still frozen in that cubicle and we couldn’t thaw him out until next year at the least. Maybe we could get Nellie Fox."

When told that Fox was probably cremated, Elderlee said that they’ll use him "sprinkled around second base for inspiration."

• Visiting pitchers will have the right between innings to throw at the home team’s mascot.
• All signs brought in by the fans must be of transparent stock, so that people behind them can view the field continually
• People ascending or descending the aisles but walk on the right side. Signal turns left by sticking out your pinky of your left hand toward the row one is turning into.
• No muddy feet on the seats, except for seats inhabited by those that you know are rooting for the visiting team.
• No nude sunbathing is permitted in the outfield bleachers only during football season. Women only. Men, you are on your own at anytime.
• Hot dogs sold must be all beef, and have not previously been treaded on. The bun must not be any longer than six inches larger than the actual hot dog inside, which would leave room for imitation ketchup, imitation mustard, and strangely fluorescent green relish and rubber-like onions.
• No currently rostered player who is still able to participate in a game is allowed to park in a handicapped parking area, unless his mommy or wife signs a waiver or he is driving a Mack SUV.
• Police officers must now pay their way in to see a game. No freeloading in Major League Baseball (excepting to break up a riot in the stands).
• Steroids are banned from Major League Baseball, unless league officials and doctors cannot prove you are doing it. Then, it’s all right.
• The attendance figures announced at the ballpark can be doctored to over 10,000 more than the actual figure. This is to keep the fans, especially in early spring, when the temperature is forty degrees or less, to feel warmer and to add to the home town camaraderie.

• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take up at a much earlier age.
• The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
• If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out,
• you have two options: You can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
• If it ain't broke, try changing you grip.
• Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
• It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50 foot putt when you are lying 10.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
• Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
• It's not a gimme if you're still away.
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
• There are two kinds of bounces: Unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
• You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
• To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: Back swing 30 mph, handicap 20, downswing 600 mph.
• There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands:
• How many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
• Hazards attract: Fairways repel.
• You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
• If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
• If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

• It's like a street gang, but it's organized into teams and on skates.
• It's okay to punch a guy, hit him, and slash him with your stick. It's called "part of the game"
• Fans actually pay to see players fight and play a little hockey.
• Hockey violence is better than boxing, and they do it 70 games a year.
• When you get punished for fighting, you get to sit down for five minutes, and then you get to play and fight again.
• Mommies are not allowed on the ice to comfort their battered sons.
• Hockey coaches actually hire players who do not score, but instead beat up people.
• Players are exempt from dental insurance. In fact a player with a complete set of teeth is unheard of.
• You won't get in trouble with your boss when you slug opposing players, in fact there may be a bounty.
• Because of stitches, there are no pretty hockey players. They all look like Boris Karloff.

On the last night of his vacation the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you that I'm a total golf nut" Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat sleep and breathe golf so, if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Harriet responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes .... I'm a hooker" !!

"I see", Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off" !!!

• He's got the bat.
• He's in better shape than you and he can run all over the field.
• He will spit tobacco juice in your eye.
• He has 24 other players from his team out on the field with him.
• He drinks Gatorade during the game. You have been drinking lots of beer.
• Forty thousand other people in attendance will find out just how much of an idiot you really are.
• You will get a free escort to the pokey from men in blue suits and men in white suits will perform an examination.
• You will be featured in television blooper shows be and laughed at for years to come.
• Nobody who looks normal ever does this--and have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?
• strange beings have also jumped on the field like you--including cats, raccoons, pigeons, Arkie the Clown, The "Chicken", and the likes of "Disco Demolition Night", and those who have really done something to further mankind. You just look stupid.