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| You gotta love the Canadian sense of humour.
West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
On another West Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like
to have."
From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.. Please do not
leave children or spouses."
Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know
what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."
Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you
can smoke 'em."
Submitted by Frank, Bethesda, Md.
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| A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a
new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of
workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"
With a grin, one of the other workers mutters,...... "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
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| A Japanese car company (Any) and an American car company
... ... decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to
reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to
investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management
hired a consulting company referred to them by the US Government and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
The consultants advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's
management structure was totally reorganized into 3 steering supervisors, 1 area steering superintendents, 1 publicity manager, 1 HR diversity coordinator, 1 union rep, and a rower.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality
First Program", with a lunch and a free company pen for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and
performance-tied bonuses but that decision was held up in committee.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments
for new equipment. The money from all sales and all forecasted moneys saved from further competition was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was
out-sourced to India.
The End.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| On the 6th day, God created men and women. On the
7th day, he rested.
Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he was going to do the next day. For it was on the 8th day that God created the teacher.
This teacher though, taken from among men and women had several significant modifications. In general, God made the teacher more durable than other men and
women. The teacher was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30 PM. With no rest in between. The teacher had to be able to withstand being locked up in an
air-tight room with 35 little monsters on a rainy Monday. And the teacher had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation.
Yes, God made the teacher tough - but gentle too. The teacher was equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and lonely student... of the
16 year old girl who was not asked to the prom. And into the teacher God poured a generous amount of patience. Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the teacher has just
repeated for someone else. Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the 4th day in a row. Patience when 1/3 of the class fails the test. Patience when the text books haven't arrived
yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.
And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams, "I
hate this class-it's boring!" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you.
And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students would one day learn
to spell...Hoping not to have lunchroom duty...hoping that Friday would come... hoping for a free day... hoping for deliverance.
When God finished creating the teacher, he stepped back and admired the work of his hands. And God saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And God smiled,
for when he looked at the teacher, he saw into the future. He knew that the future is in the hands of the teachers. And because God loves teachers so much, on the 9th day God created "SNOW
DAYS."
Submitted by Bill, a teacher, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to ea t,
but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know
what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads No.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo,
you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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Changes in Company Policies
- Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
- Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
- Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
- Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
- Restroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
- Lunch Breaks: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Submitted by Rick, Baton Rouge, La. |
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