Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

• Al Dente: Italian term for the desired stage in the preparation of pasta, when it is cooked yet still firm to the bite. Pasta that has been boiled too long is described, according to the degree to which it has been overcooked, as al gummo, al musho, al botcho, and al garbaggio.
• Barbecue: Primitive summertime rite at which spirits are present, hunks of meat are sacrificed by being burnt on braziers by sauce- smeared men wearing odd hats and aprons with cabalistic slogans, and human flesh is offered to insects.
• Basting: Process through which cooking juices in a roasting pan are carefully transferred -- with a basting siphon, ladle or spoon -- to the oven rack, the bottom of the oven, the inside of the oven door, the floor, the stove top, and the counter.
• Chef: Any cook who swears in French.
• Cookbook: A collection of recipes arranged in such a fashion that the cook must turn the page just after the point where a thick paste of flour, water, and lard is mixed by hand.
• Diet: The specific types and quantities of food that any given individual will start eating tomorrow, next week, or after the beginning of the new year.
• Food: Any plant or animal substance that provides nourishment. There are basically four broad categories of food: carbohydrates, fats, proteins, and individually wrapped chocolates with cherry centers.
• Gadget: Any mechanical device that performs a kitchen task in one-twentieth the time it takes to find it.
• Gelatin: A pain in the aspic.
• Gourmet: Anyone who, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're leaving the best part.
• Health Food: Any food whose flavor is indistinguishable from that of the package in which it is sold.
• Imported: Packed in a box, can, carton or bottle with a label containing lies in a foreign language.
• Jams and Jellies: Sweet fruit confections served at breakfast with toast, muffins or other baked goods. Oddly enough, jams and jellies are considered diet foods, since the calories expended in opening the jars and packets in which they are sold greatly exceeds the number consumed in the course of eating their contents.
• Kitchen Cabinet: Storage areas containing items that should have been put somewhere else.
• Ladle: The only thing that is edible in a pot of leek soup.
• Marinade: Any flavored liquid mixture in which a dish whose recipe you just looked up after deciding to serve it this evening should have been soaking in since at least last night.
• Noodles: Honestly! Nobody, but nobody, calls them noodles anymore. Wash your mouth out with kir and see PASTA.
• Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.
• Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom.
• Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
• Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).
• Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a la Mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment necessary to choose the chocolate pudding.
• Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a particular dish is overcooked.
• Utensil: A spill, cut, burn, or bungle with a handle on the end.
• Vinaigrette: Basic French dressing that consists of too much oil added a bit too quickly to a mixture containing partially ground peppercorns from a malfunctioning mill, an excess of salt, all the juice that could be gotten out of an old lemon half, and dry mustard that fell out of the can in a big lump.
• Whisk: One of a number of exercise devices used by sedentary cooks to develop muscles and improve body tone. Other items of workout equipment found in kitchens include the egg beater (strengthens pectorals), the cheese grater (enlarges triceps), and the salad spinner (firms up deltoids).
• Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
• Zinfandel: Red wine produced in very large volume in California and available by the liter or gallon in both premium and unleaded varieties. The best recent vintage is the 11:35 a.m., though some people swear by the 9:58.

Dear Valued Staff Member

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem.

What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observation of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Many Thanks
Finance Dept.

Extended Task Code List Explanation:

• 5000 Surfing the Net.
• 5001 Read/Writing social E-Mail
• 5002 Sharing social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #504)
• 5003 Collecting jokes and other humorous material via E-Mail
• 5004 Forwarding jokes and other humorous materials via E-Mail
• 5005 Faxing jokes and other humorous material to friends not on E-Mail
• 5316 Meeting
• 5317 Obstructing communications at meeting
• 5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in meeting
• 5319 Waiting for break
• 5320 Waiting for lunch
• 5321 Waiting for end of day
• 5322 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker
• 5323 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker while co-worker is not present
• 5393 Covering for incompetence of co-worker friend
• 5400 Trying to explain concept to co-worker who is stupid
• 5401 Trying to explain concept to co-worker who is not interested in learning
• 5402 Trying to explain concept to co-worker who hates me
• 5481 Buying snack
• 5482 Eating snack
• 5500 Filling out time sheet
• 5501 Inventing time sheet entries
• 5502 Waiting for something to happen
• 5503 Scratching oneself
• 5504 Sleeping
• 5505 Feeling bored
• 5600 Bitching about lousy job (see code #5610)
• 5601 Bitching about low pay (see code #5610)
• 5602 Bitching about long hours (see code #5610)
• 5603 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)
• 5604 Bitching about co-worker (see codes #5322, #5323)
• 5605 Bitching about personal problems
• 5610 Searching for new job
• 5640 Miscellaneous unproductive bitching
• 5701 Not actually present at job
• 5702 Suffering from eight hour flu
• 6102 Ordering out
• 6103 Waiting for food delivery to arrive
• 6104 Taking it easy while digesting food
• 6200 Using company resources for personal profit
• 6201 Stealing company goods
• 6202 Making excuses after accidentally destroying company goods
• 6203 Using company phone to make long distance personal calls
• 6206 Gossiping
• 6207 Planning a social event
• 6210 Feeling sorry for myself
• 6221 Pretending to work while boss is watching
• 6222 Pretending to enjoy my job
• 6223 Pretending I like my co-workers
• 6224 Pretending I like important people when in reality they're jerks
• 6238 Miscellaneous unproductive fantasizing
• 6601 Running my own business on company time
• 6602 Complaining
• 6603 Writing a book on company time
• 6604 Planning a holiday on company time
• 6611 Staring into space
• 6612 Staring at computer screen
• 6613 Transcendental meditation
• 7281 Extended trip to bathroom (at least 10 Min.)
• 7400 Talking with divorce lawyer on phone
• 7401 Talking with plumber on phone
• 7402 Talking with dentist on phone
• 7403 Talking with doctor on phone
• 7404 Talking with masseuse on phone
• 7405 Talking with house painter on phone
• 7406 Talking with personal therapist on phone
• 7407 Talking with miscellaneous paid professional on phone
• 7408 Talking with mistress/toy boy on phone (see code #7400)
• 7931 asking co-worker to aid in an illicit activity
• 8000 Recreational drug use

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camer a to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never mess with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia