And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

• "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
• "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
• "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
• "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
• "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
• "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
• "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
• "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
• "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
• "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
• "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
• "While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
• "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
• "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
• "His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

"Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

"...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

"Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
 

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• Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
• Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
• Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
• The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
• It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
• It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
• The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
• Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
• It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
• It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
• you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
• you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• the Sun is too loud.
• trees begin chasing you.
• you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
• you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
• you wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
• you can hear mimes.
• you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
• things become "Very Clear."
• you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
• you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
• you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.
• your heart beats in 7/8 time.
• you and Reality file for divorce.
• you can skip without a rope.
• it appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
• you have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
• you can travel without moving.
• antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
• you discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
• you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
• teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
• you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
• you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• My stigmata's acting up.
• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
• If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
• The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
• I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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... broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

Submitted by Kathy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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... when the loud-speaker announced: "Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work."

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

"Resume all unnecessary work."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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... with our two small children when he commented that it was too bad we weren't flying first class, where we'd have more room for our infant.

"They probably don't allow babies in first class," I said.

"On the contrary," a nearby flight attendant jokingly confided to us. "ALL our first-class passengers are babies."

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Sam, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.
 

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He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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... I am expected to comfort nervous patients. But prior to one operation, the patient was so nervous she was actually shaking.

Nothing I said to her would comfort her so after the doctor finished on the first eye and before he began on the second I wanted her to know the surgery was going well.

There, I said, patting her hand reassuringly, "Now you only have one eye left."

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
 

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