• I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
• If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

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• The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
• The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
• The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
• The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
• The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
• The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
• The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
• The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
• The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
• The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

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• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
• Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
• It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
• The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.
• Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
• Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
• You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
• Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
• If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
• In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
• Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
• It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
• Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
• Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
• The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
• There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
• When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
• What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
• Never trade luck for skill.
• Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
• Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
• When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
• There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. - -- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
• If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
• You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Then - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now - If you smoke, you get sent outside and treated like a leper, if you’re lucky.

Then - Mail took weeks to come to the ship.
Now - Every time you get near land, there's a mob topside to see if their cell phones work.

Then - If you left the ship it was in Blues or Whites, even in home port.
Now - The only time you wear Blues or Whites is for ceremonies.

Then - You wore bell bottoms everywhere on the ship.
Now - bell bottoms are gone and 14 year-old girls wear them everywhere.

Then - You wore a Dixie cup all day, with every uniform.
Now - It's not required and you have a choice of different hats.

Then - If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now - If you say "damn" you'd better be talking about a hydro electric plant.

Then -The Ships Office yeoman had a typewriter on his desk for doing daily reports.
Now - Everyone has a computer with Internet access and they wonder why no work is getting done.

Then - We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
Now - We put the real thing in the cockpit.

Then - Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
Now - She is on the same ship, praying your condom worked.

Then - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the ship so you could sleep it off.
Now - If you get drunk off duty, they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

Then - Canteens were made out of steel and you could heat coffee or hot Chocolate in them.
Now - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat them because they'll melt, and anything inside always tastes like plastic.

Then - Our top officers were professional sailors first. They commanded respect.
Now - Our top officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a Wedgie.

Then - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now - They collect our pee and analyze it.

Then - If you didn't act right, they'd put you on extra duty until you straightened up.
Now - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you Forever.

Then - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now - Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

Then - You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now - You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

Then - You ate in a Mess Hall or Galley. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now - You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

Then - If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now -You go to the Community Center and can still play pool, maybe.

Then - If you wanted a quarter beer and conversation, you could go to the Chief's or Officers' Club.
Now - The beer will cost you three dollars and someone is watching to see how much you drink.

Then - The Exchange had bargains for sailors who didn't make much money.
Now - You can get better merchandise and cheaper at Wal-Mart.

Then - If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he scribbled down some notes and a YN spent an hour preparing a bunch of charts.
Now - The Admiral has his entire staff spending days preparing a Power Point Presentation.

Then - We called the enemy things like "Commie Bastards" and "Reds" because we didn't like them.
Now - We call the enemy things like "Opposing Forces" and "Aggressors or Insurgents" so we won't offend them.

Then - We declared victory when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now - We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry and won't do it again.

Then - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

Thank God I was in the "Old Navy" . And proud of it.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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• You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
• Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
• When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
• Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."
• Training is something spoken about but never seen.
• Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
• No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.
• Change is the norm.
• Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.
• The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
• You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
• You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO.
 

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Submitted by Commander Mike, Harney, Pa.
 

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• Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler.

• Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.

• Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.

• Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings.

• Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.

• Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the employee to complete work in a timely fashion.

• Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer.

• Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies.

• Snow White: Misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance.

• Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day. Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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• New - Different color from previous design.
• All new - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
• Exclusive - Imported product.
• Unmatched - Almost as good as the competition.
• Foolproof operation - No provision for adjustments.
• Advanced design - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
• It's here at last - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
• Field tested - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
• High accuracy - Unit on which all parts fit.
• Futuristic - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
• Redesigned - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
• Direct sales only - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
• Years of development - We finally got one to work.
• Breakthrough - We finally figured out a use for it.
• Maintenance free - Impossible to fix.
• Meets all standards - Ours, not yours.
• Solid-state - Heavy as anything!
• High reliability - We made it work long enough to ship it

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can " concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to date your boss.

Submitted by Jackie, Phila, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Soon after being transferred to a new duty station...

... my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

Submitted by Bill, Judy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can " concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to date your boss.
 

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