• "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
• "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
• "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am thatyou're not here to ruin it for me."
• "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
• "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
• "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
• "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
• "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
• "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
• "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
• "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
• "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
• "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
• "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
• "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
• "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
• "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
• "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
• "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
• "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?"
• "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
• "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Virginia)

 "How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman.

"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely.

"Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?"

"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'."
"That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly.
"That's it."

"I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum."

"Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a minute... okay, got a pencil?"

"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale.'"

• Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?  A Rottweiler eventually lets go.

• There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
   
• An elderly Jewish woman is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "You call that a lining?"
  
• A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?

The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

• Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says "this package is too heavy-you'll need another stamp."
  
  Moishe replies "And that will make it lighter?"
   
• Q. If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
  A. A Bris-kit.
   
• Q. What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?  A. A girl.