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A bear walks
into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his
paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry,
demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him
again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent
bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says,
"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady
sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in
bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the
bar, and as promised eats the woman. He comes back to his seat
and again demands a beer.
The bartender states,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in
bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on
drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate."
Submitted by Bruce,
Emmitsburg, Md.
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More great
sayings from Flight Attendants . . .
- After a particularly rough
landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant
on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
- During the "anyone
caught smoking or tampering with a smoke detector in the
lavatory will be prosecuted...." spiel, a creative
Southwest Airlines attendant added., "Said individual
will also be treated to a private screening of "Gone
With the Wind.......from the wing"
- On a Continental Flight with
a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your
flight attendants."
- After a particularly rough
landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant
on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
- From a Southwest Airlines
employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
- In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child pick your favorite.
- Weather at our destination
is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
- "Your seat cushions can
be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
- "Should the cabin lose
pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children ... or other adults acting like
children."
- "As you exit the plane,
make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
- And from the pilot during
his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is please to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
- Heard on Southwest Airlines
just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here
to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it
was the asphalt!"
- After a real crusher of a
landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to
a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke
has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way thought the wreckage to
the terminal."
- Part of a flight attendant's
arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for
flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
- Silence followed and after a
few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was speaking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach
said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
Submitted by Marianne,
Columbia, Md.
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How can a
pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has
an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
- How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
- How many lawyer jokes are
there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
- How many lawyers does it
take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
- How many lawyers does it
take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the
ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
- If a lawyer and an IRS agent
were both drowning, and you could save only one of them,
would you go to lunch or read the paper?
- What did the lawyer name his
daughter? Sue.
- What do you call 25
skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
- What do you call a lawyer
gone bad? Senator.
- What do you call a lawyer
with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
- What do you throw to a
drowning lawyer? His partners.
- What does a lawyer use for
birth control? His personality.
- What happens when you cross
a pig with a lawyer? You can't! There are some things even a
pig won't do.
- What's the difference
between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent
flyer miles.
- What's another difference
between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.
- Why does California have the
most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most
toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth,
Pa.
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