Now that they
are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of
their future.
"What will you do if
I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she
said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with
three other single or widowed women who might be a little
younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What
will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the
same thing."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth,
Pa.
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A Mothers
Dictionary
- ALIEN: What Mum would
suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized
creature cleaning up after itself.
BABY: 1) Dad, when he
gets a cold. 2) Mum's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: a room used by
the entire family, believed by all (except Mum) to be
self-cleaning.
"BECAUSE": Mum's
reason for having kids do things which can't be explained
logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things
the kids will never make for themselves.
CAR POOL: Complicated
system of transportation where Mum always winds up going the
furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the
most sugar.
COOK: 1) Act of preparing food
for consumption. 2) Mum's other name.
DUST: Insidious
interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle
zone.
ENERGY: Element of vitality
kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
"EXCUSE ME":
One of Mum's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times
by children.
FABLE: A story told by a
teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mum usually
gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner
tonight?"
GARBAGE: A collection of
refuse items, the taking out of which Mum assigns to a
different family member each week, then winds up doing
herself.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants,
shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages
which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized
in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the
evening meal.
ICE: Cubes of frozen
water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or
husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them
back in the freezer empty.
"I SAID SO": Reason
enough, according to Mum.
JUNK: Dad's stuff.
KETCHUP: The sea of
tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent
hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just
right.
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner,
blush, etc. which ironically make Mum look better while making
her young daughter look "cheap."
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful
beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into
junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOMMMMMMM!": The
cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
PANIC: What a mother goes
through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mum's
nickname for Dad.
PENITENTIARY: Where children
who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually
end up, according to Mum.
PIANO: A large,
expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars
worth of lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse
to play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in
which Mum carries the checkbook and keys she can never find
because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a
teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and
several outdated coupons.
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art
gallery and air- conditioner for the kitchen.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic
ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring
stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded
outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped
performs two important functions: Protecting children from the
cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mum
puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will
accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning
fluid especially good on kids' faces.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive,
expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts
melted chocolate and grape juice.
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both
kids at home all summer.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific
space a child can always be sure to be in.
UMPTEENTH: Highly
conservative estimate of the number of times Mum must instruct
her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR: An article of
clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will
never have an accident.
VITAMINS: Tiny
facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be
"Just like Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing
paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household
appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers,
loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
XOXOXOXO: Mum salutation
guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's
lunch box even more mortifying.
YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching
emotional process wherein Mum plans to sell kid's outdated
toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are
treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.
"YIPPEE!": What Mum
would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12
months.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can
be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat
it.
Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square,
Pa.
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Who Needs a Man.
- If you want someone who will
do anything to please you, get a dog.
- If you want someone who will
bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for
the sports page, get a dog.
- If you want someone who'll
make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see
you, get a dog.
- If you want someone who eats
whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother
made it better, get a dog.
- If you want someone who's
always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you
want to go, get a dog.
- If you want someone who can
scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around,
endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.
- If you want someone who
never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday
Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long
as you want, get a dog.
- If you want someone who'll
be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and
who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a
dog.
- If you want someone who
never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or
bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth
hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all
the time, get a dog!
On the other hand...
- If you want someone who
never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you
walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all
over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat
and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to
see that HE's happy...
Get a CAT!
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