• Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
• Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
• Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
• Sunday = 3D sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Don't cut your hair. EVER! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
• We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
• Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• Check your oil! Please.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
• The relationship is never going to be like it was the first four months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
• We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
• BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
• I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

She was seated in the general passenger section. Once the airplane was in the air, she got up and went into first class and took a seat. The stewardess told her that unless she produced a first class ticket she had to return to the other section.

The blonde refused and said I am going to Chicago and I am staying here.

Other stewardesses tried everything to get her to move, but she refused and kept saying she was going to Chicago and she was staying where she was.

Finally, the stewardess told the Captain about the situation. The co-pilot offered to go in and handle it, but he captain said no, he was married to a blonde and knew what to do. The Captain went into first class and whispered in the blonde's ear.

She looked up at him shocked and quickly went back to the passenger section. Everyone was amazed and asked the Captain what he had said.

He said, "I just told her that First class did not go to Chicago!"

"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her

you're the boss."

The husband takes the doctor's advice.

He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong ... And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."