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Field guide to being
a guy:
- Any Man who brings a camera to
a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow
partygoers.
- Under no circumstances may two
men share an umbrella.
- It is ok for a man to cry
under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to
save its master
- After wrecking your boss'
Ferrari
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37
seconds into The Crying Game
- Unless he murdered someone in
your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12
hours.
- Acceptable excuse for not
helping a friend move
- Your legs have been
severed in a freak threshing accident
- Acceptable excuse for not
helping a friend of a friend move:
- You'd rather stay home and
watch speed buggy reruns
- If you've known a guy for more
than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you
actually marry her.
- The minimum amount of time you
have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes.
Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait
10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the
classic 1-10 scale.
- Bitching about the brand of
free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if
the temperature is unsuitable.
- No man shall ever be required
to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even
remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
- On a road trip, the strongest
bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
- While your girlfriend must
bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30 minutes of
meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal
pals' significant idiots - low level sports bonding is all the
law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard
because it's twice as true).
- Unless you have signed a
lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public
wearing more than one swoosh.
- When stumbling upon other guys
watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the
game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
- It is permissible to quaff a
fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical
beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's
free.
- Unless you're in prison, never
fight naked.
- Friends don't let friends wear
Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
- If a man's zipper is down,
that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
- Women who claim the "love
to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they
demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.
- You must offer heartfelt and
public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even
if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a
ceiling fan.
- A man in the company of a hot,
suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- Never hesitate to reach for
the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's
just plain mean.
- If you complement a guy on his
six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
- Phrases that may not be
uttered to another man while lifting weights:
- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more!
Harder!
- Another set and we can hit
the showers!
- Nice Ass, Are you a
Sagittarius?
- Never talk to a man in a
bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both waiting in
line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible
nod is all the conversation you need.
- You cannot rat out a coworker
who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however,
hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn
the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor
is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven
minutes.
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
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An elderly man, that
had a little to much to drink, was walking along the road.
A big truck came along and
knocked him down. The driver stopped, got out and hollered at the
old man "Hey watch out."
The old man look at the driver
and asked: " Why you gonna back up?"
Submitted by Vance, Addison,
NY
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