Customer: "Hi, I'd like to
order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN
first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID
Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr.
Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive and the phone
number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance
is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-566. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home.
Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the
system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well,
I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's
a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical
records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and
extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider
won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you
recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our
low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"
Customer: "What makes you think
I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked
out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week,
sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all
right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be
plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,'
as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my
credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but
I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance
is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the
ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work
either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just
send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it
take?"
Operator: "We're running a
little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in
a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting
the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you
know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're
in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But
your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using
it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching
your language, sir. You've already a July 2006 conviction for
cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be
anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh,
yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I
get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but
our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda
to diabetics."