You know you're from Pennsylvania if ... (Part1)

• You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Pee-Ay).
• You can say the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.
• You know what a "State Store" is, and your out-of-state friends find it unbelievable that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.
• You live within two miles of a plant that makes potato chips, corn chips, pretzels, candy, or ice cream, or that packages turkey, beans or bologna.
• Words like "hoagie", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook", and "water ice" actually mean something to you.
• You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same.
• You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in multiple colors: Red, White, Brown, and Gold.
• You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Lebanon Bologna, and Hot Bacon Dressing.
• You can give directions to "Intercourse, PA" with a straight face.
• You can eat a cold soft pretzel with deli mustard smeared on it from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it.
• Your turkey has "filling," not "stuffing," and most certainly, NOT "dressing."
• You know the difference between a cheese steak and a pizza steak sandwich, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.
• You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.
• You know that Blue Ball, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, Intercourse, and Slippery Rock are towns.
• You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is.
• You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey," and the Atlantic Ocean as "the shore."
• You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.
• When handed a wrapped cupcake, you automatically flip it over and rub it on the table so the icing won't stick to the cellophane.
• You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
• You know who "Punxsutawney Phil" is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.
• You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.
• You carry jumper cables in your car, and your female passengers know how to use them.
• You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth Pa.
 

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• 1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
• Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
• Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
• Free puppies...part German shepherd - part dog
• 2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
• Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1998 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
• Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.
• 83 Toyota hunchback -- $2000
• Star wars job of the hut -- $15
• Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
• Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
• German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
• Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.
• For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
• Nordic track $300 hardly used. Call Chubbie
• Bill's septic cleaning "we haul American made products"
• Shakespeare's pizza - free chopsticks
• Hummels - largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!"
• Harrisburg postal employees gun club
• Georgia peaches- California grown - 89 cents lb.
• Nice parachute: never opened - used once - slightly stained
• Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
• American flag - 60 stars - pole included $100
• Tired of working for only $9.75/ hour? We offer profit sharing & flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9/hour.
• Notice: to the person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87 near Southbridge storage: please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
• Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box springs-$175.
• Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
• Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.
• Ground beast: 99 cents lb.
• Gas cloud clears out taco bell.
• Open house - body shapers toning salon- free coffee & donuts
• Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb

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The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," she says, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir. What's with the ostrich?" < BR The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Submitted by Kate, Charleston, S.C.
 

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May 21st Humor Page