•  . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
• You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
• Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
• You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
• You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
• You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
• If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
• There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
• You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you Really, Really know you're Italian when:

• Your grandfather had a fig tree.
• You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
• Your mom's meatballs are the best.
• You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
• Plastic on the furniture is normal.
• You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
• You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
• You've called someone a "mamaluke."
• And you understand "bada bing"

And to add insult to injury ...

• Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians hate all witnesses.
• Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

• Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
• This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling ... and I'll think about returning your call.
• Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'l! l stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
• A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
• Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "cute" message, I'll call sooner.
• Hi. Now YOU say something.
• Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the best answering machine message for 2003 is ... (Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages)

• Hello, you've reached Sandy Beach and Warren Peace. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sandy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.