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Some "Senior" personal
ads seen in Florida newspapers:
- Foxy Lady: Sexy, fashion-conscious
blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
- Long-term Commitment: Recent widow
who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone
to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness
of breath not a problem.
- Serenity Now: I am into solitude,
long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you
are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids
out and enjoy quiet times.
- Winning Smile: Active grandmother
with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare
steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
- Beatles or Stones? I still like to
rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and
still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or
are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.
- Memories: I can usually remember
Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday
and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
- Mint Condition: Male, 1932, high
mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including
hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Maxine: That Grand Old
Girl!
- Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't
use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free
for making gestures."
- Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an
oven. It burns my buns."
- Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my
housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the
mirrors as quickly as possible."
- Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a
nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is
muscular and shirtless."
- Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All
I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want,
for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like
a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
- Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at
work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a
coworker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20
yards." ****
- Maxine on "the Technology Revolution"
- "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt
twice."
- Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every
birthday with a grain of salt This works much better if the
salt accompanies a large margarita.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
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The flood of American liberals
sneaking across the border into Canada ...
... has intensified in the past week,
sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal
immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is
prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill
O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not
uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights
activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went
out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was
cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a
latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have
any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens,
Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.
So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across
the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still
got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't
give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned
about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack
them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and
leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are
not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman
said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.
They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent
back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear
retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating
about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in
which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals
have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy
cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
After catching a half-dozen young vegans
disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities
began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen
passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The
Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an
official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that
the illegal immigrants are creating and organic-broccoli
shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel
sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't
support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history
majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between
the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met
with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration
would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney
said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And
we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The
president is determined to reach out."
Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg,
MD.
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New York City chalk
artists ... remember, these these are all drawings done on
sidewalks... so keep in mind the surfaces are flat!
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Nov
24th Humor Page |
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