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Random thoughts of an unknown
retired person:
- I was thinking about how a
status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has
clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door
opener
- You know I spent a fortune on
deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
- I was thinking that women
should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
- I was thinking about old age
and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball
but you are too tired to bounce it.
- I thought about making a
fitness movie for folks my age and calling it Pumping Rust."
- I have gotten that dreaded
furniture disease...that's when your chest is falling into your
drawers!
- I know when people see a cat's
litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once
I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
- Employment application blanks
always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think
you should write, "A GOOD DOCTOR!"
- Why do they put pictures of
criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to
do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures
on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?
- I was thinking about how
people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get
older, then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their
finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg,
Pa.
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John, a local football star, is
jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire.
A lady is standing on a third
story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells John, "Throw
me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too
far."
"I play football, I can catch
him."
The smoke is pouring from the
windows, and finally, the woman waves to John, kisses her cat
goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
John keeps his eye on the cat
as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an
awning and John runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six
feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The
crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
John does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles
his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
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A blonde goes into work one
morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his
employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this
morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the
day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and
rest."
The blonde very calmly explains,
"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I
have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and
allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just
let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss
decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and
sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and
asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to
help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just
got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.
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Things you don't see
very often ... take 1
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July
9th Humor Page
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