Why the Army shouldn't
take anyone under 35 ....
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my
country track down those responsible for killing thousands of
innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm
over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending
18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join until
you're at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of
times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per
day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to
be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we
can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My
back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer
yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough
to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has
consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt
through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do
wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up
before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't
spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them.
In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real
brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for
old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we
actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep
appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better
than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle
course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single
20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do
any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the
Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste
of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead
of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a
conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt
crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still
hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles,
and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord
can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at
home to learn a little more about life before sending them off
to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty
rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last
thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of
million old farts with attitudes.