• I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I had amnesia once -- or twice.
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
• Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
• If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
• grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
• Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
• When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
• What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?
• My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• The speed of time is one-second per second.
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
• It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
• Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

• Joanne Millionaire: Rich young women are first introduced to the exciting world of horses. They become completely hooked on the finest purebreds, the best trainers, fabulous stabling and expert instruction. In the last episode...they discover they're penniless.
• Survivor-the Endurance Ride: Ten elite show riders leave their oak tack trunks, their minimum wage grooms, their canopies and gooseneck living quarters behind to spend 2 days in Death Valley. They have to perform heinous acts such as cleaning their own tack, grooming and caring for their own horse, and getting along with other riders. As we sit back and watch riders succumb to torture, the strongest break away from camp to search for cell phone, golf cart and roach coach.
• American Show Idol: Thousands of equestrians must audition in front of exacting judges who pick apart their ride using colorful evaluations such as "try tennis!" and "clucking to your horse makes you sound like a chicken". George Morris guest stars.
• I'm a Dressage Queen, Get Me out of Here: A Prix St. Georges rider and her Hanoverian stallion are shipped to a working cattle ranch. In Episode 3, she ruins her full seat Eurostar breeches while closing the cattle gate. Unable to ride until her new attire is shipped, the local wrangler round pens her horse and starts roping off his back.
• Matched by America: Contestants who are tired of looking for Mr. or MS Equine Perfection allow the studio audience to vote on which horse is truly the best partner for them. Tossing breed and color preferences to the wind, contestants discover that: 1) a good horse can be any size, age, color; 2) when you find the right match, there can be happy endings... watch for more.

And a new sitcom:

• Studs in the City: Two young, hip, good-looking round pen trainers share a New York apartment as they learn about life, work, & love in the city. In the pilot episode, Pat gets arrested after slapping his chaps at a girl who won't turn & face him (she turns out to be an undercover cop), and Roger ends up in the emergency room after trying to round-pen his new girlfriend's Siamese cat.