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Twenty Uses for Fruitcake
- Use as a doorstop
- Use as a paperweight
- Use to clean your pots and pans
- Use as boat anchor
- Use as bricks in fireplace
- Build a house with them
- Use it to hold up your Christmas tree
- Use as a pencil holder
- Give it to the cat for a scratching post
- Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and
squirrels
- Hold up your car when changing tires
- Slice and use for poker chips
- Use it to carve your turkey on
- Use as replacement for Duraflame log
- Take it camping with you...use it to weigh
down the tent
- Use it as a seat at a stadium event
- Stand on it when you change a lightbulb
- Put it in the back of your car/truck for
snow/ice driving
- Replaces free weights when you work out
- Use as book ends at the school library
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Infant Discovered in Barn - Child
Protective Services Launch Probe
Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother
(Dec 25) Associated Press. Bethlehem, Judea -
Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a
family living in a barn.
Upon arrival, Family Protective Service
personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant
child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in
a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth.
During the confrontation, a man identified as
Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph,
aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried
to forestall efforts to take the child, but was restrained by the
police. Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who allege
to be wise men from an eastern country.
The INS and Homeland Security officials are
seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A
source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in
possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances.
They resisted arrest saying that they had been
warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to
their own country. The chemical substances in their possession will be
tested. The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning.
The manager Bethlehem Inn faces possible
revocation of his license for violating health and safety regulations by
allowing people to stay in the stable. Civil authorities are also
investigating the zoning violations involved in maintaining livestock in
a commercially-zoned district. The location of the minor child will not
be released, and the prospect for a quick resolution to this case is
doubtful.
Asked about when Jesus would be returned to his
mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson said, "The father is
middle-aged and the mother definitely underage. We are checking with
officials in Nazareth to determine what their legal relationship is.
Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a
census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when
they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their
departure.
Joseph is being held without bond on charges of
molestation, kidnapping, child endangerment, and statutory rape. Mary
was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being examined
by doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for endangerment. She
will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of her claim that she
is a virgin and that the child is from God.
The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I
don't profess to have the right to tell people what to believe, but when
their beliefs adversely affect the safety and well-being of others - in
this case her child - we must consider her a danger to others.
The unidentified drugs at the scene didn't help
her case, but I'm confidant that with the proper therapy regiment we can
get her back on her feet."
A spokesperson for the governor's office said,
"Who knows what was going through their heads? But regardless, their
treatment of the child was inexcusable, and the involvement of these
others frightening.
There is much we don't know about this case, but
for the sake of the child and the public, you can be assured that we
will pursue this matter to the end."
Submitted by Bruce, Carol
Stream, IL.
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Christmas Riddles ...
Just before Christmas, an honest
politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the
elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all
noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of
course, because the other two don't exist!
- What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball
of yarn? She had mittens.
- What do you call it when your Christmas tree
explodes? A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
- What's red and white and red and white and red
and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
- Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and
famous? Holly-wood.
- Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the
ocean? Because snow man is an island.
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One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no
longer going to remind her children ...
... of their thank-you note duties.
As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the
generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a
friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the
change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the
checks."
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It was the day after Christmas.
The pastor of the church was looking
over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from
among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a
little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the
little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my
fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the
little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for
Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
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A Very Different Christmas Poem
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim
light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light.
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the
line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in
December,"
Then he sighed, "A Christmas Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being
alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no
fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no
regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."
Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.
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So this is Christmas ...
Download Power Point
Slider Show
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Robert Chambers 'The Book of Days' -
Christmas Day Traditions -
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Dec 20 Humor Page
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